laughing a little in the dream i had a roasted turnip with paprika for breakfast maybe that’s it it’s noon on Alpha Omega how does that work for you there is loneliness in her jeer but she keeps at me i’m not beautiful like a spring breeze i’m not delicate like a feather i cannot be a ballerina with two stone feet i am nothing and i cannot write pretty words like the zenith is your eyes i write rusted words like hurt me with your tongue knife and my ideas weigh like mercury on mars but she the Venus does not mind when i do her bidding our way of seeing life is very different i smitten with the downtown proletariat she with uptown well to do’s i can’t believe you are my daughter i know i say that i agree with you it’s too late momma i’m half way gone it’s best this way no hard feelins’ right i know punctuation and the grammar rules real fine but my lips shoot out the poisons thought of in my heart perhaps if reincarnation does abide the cosmic rules she’s supposed to follow i will come back as a super model just for you but now you’re gone and i see you in the clouds above in periwinkle linen and jewels the color of God’s eyes i heard you mother all of our unhappy life together and while on earth your words did bite me i also learned to use their teeth to cut my noose i ran away and did it my way it nearly killed me too but rest assured that in your way as a mother that you were your raising helped me through
Author: mbrazfieldm
teufelshund
time has passed by here
i pan the room i see my books
my drawings and the vibrant colors
the outfits different styles
yet mostly all black
the sleeves must remain long
security blanket still after all these years
the incense stretches smoldering in the potted plant
in Garudasana pose Cedar wood and salt
invasive thoughts seep through the fragile lucidity
of this quiet uneasiness the price i’ve had to pay
i shut my eyes i don’t trust closing them yet
at times boot camp trainings thrice removed
refuse to be shrugged off
i look in the mirror morning and night
brush the teeth etc. etc.
but today i’m feeling brave on an anniversary
of yore the battle of Werdin Place
and i see me in the mirror
piece by piece like a color by number pic
as the nights pass by hand in hand
i’m smitten with and embrace more
the medal shaped sCARs they gave me
of warrior heart i fought and fought
and that’s all that really matters
happy
sometimes in the middle of the night
i take the train from one part of town
and then back to the other side
i can’t sleep so i face my curiosity
tipping into the cleavage of the city
and her girlfriend moon
outside of the rolling cab my eyes
they register that it’s dirty
i swear i can see the car exhaust
black sooty pungent belching vulgarity
in the lungs of LA
behold the automotive crack pipe
then my attention flutters to the men
velvet skin plastic smiles and silver tongues
selling me a piece of Jesus and His hotrod
Hollywood Boulevard how much to eat me tonight
i burrow my alien feelings into the tunnels
and the cocky rail rides me to the platform
where humanity scrambles at the truth
of how small we must be to the Bitchgoddess
of everything all poets in history
have lamented about
to chase and purr on the formidable
lies that we are fed
only to show who kindness i wonder
i’m too old and out of time
to place gender or definition on my pleasures
the time to gamble with the rules and regulations
is quickly ending
at dawn pink and gray
with the smell of the city and
her beautifully cruel courtesans
on my hands and lips
i stagger up 7th street
and bum a cigarette from the Meals on Wheels guy
chat up Bang Me Billy and ask about his truck
we stroll to the rich folk Starbucks
he waltzes me up to the lines
we both feel very alive again
and smile at the young savvy people
when they turn up their nose
dying between closing arguments
luck
smitten
with few steps
happy with the
choices i have made they belong to me
unpopular turns delinquent alike
options were mine
judgmental
endings
are
just
that my
conviction
is steady all
ready to go come the wave of infernal
positioned to strike with white hot venom
for mercy and
dripping with
bloody
hand
advice i’d give me if i was my mother
go ahead eat the three cup cakes
jay walk across the mischievous waters
buy Big Mac’s for the street kids
ask the hookers for beauty tips
church hop if the Spirit insists
wrap your thighs around whichever boy you wish
on your terms and not his
go against the family tradition
ride the Ducati instead of the Harley
crank up Led’s Black Dog as you’re lighting a fatty
stay home and read books and howl at the moon
at 3:30 past doom if that’s what makes you happy
talk about the Bard by the water cooler
turn the page when you’ve mastered your spirit
nurture your brain and balance that heart
if you punch punch with your left
but remember they got to swing at you first
if you look wicked good don’t hide it
and every compliment offered to the sisterhood
should come from the heart
don’t disrespect tit for tat the brotherhood
flash them your smile as you’re crushing that Zen
medicine
coping with the pain
of the shame i feel today
hold me in support
to Clyde with love
the vinyl floors were what i really loved about King Eddy’s bar i just never ate the nachos or any of the bar food cooked in the back i just drank their booze the storm clouds had passed i was on long weekend from school by choice of course not because it was any particular holiday secretly i was hoping to see Clyde he was an older gentleman with property out in the desert valley not rich a Salton Sea Hawaiian shirt straw fedora wearing kinda guy he was smitten with me but for a long time he thought i was a very effeminate boy we couldn’t tell each other’s intentions my heart grew fond of him over the months in a time span of almost three years i knew he had been a hustler back in the 50’s and 60’s he knew the entire history of Pershing Square the seedy stuff of course not the pretty ribbon cutting ceremonies and the ice rinks at Christmas i came out i suppose by accident i was cramping pretty badly one Tuesday night and the girl bartender wasn’t working that night but Clyde was there many times before i had seen him hand out aspirins to friends so i thought he might have something with knitted brows he whispered jaggedly you’re a girl and i said yeah i’m not very femme but i didn’t think i looked that butch either ok goldilocks he laughed i was gonna ask you out on a date you see i prefer the company of gentlemen in my private life too not just in my industry wink wink i was confused but flattered thus began a deeper relationship my excesses slowed down i put on weight and i went to school more i read all of my books wrote all the papers took all of the exams and actually enjoyed it because of Clyde’s interest in my education there was a time buttercup he’d call me that when i thought i wanted to go to law school but i got lazy and time just passed me by you’re young kid i’ve been eyeballing you i know what you do why do you go to the Cecil he asked knowing dam well why i went i wasn’t angry at him but rather surprised and then creped out dude are you following me no he said but don’t forget i know lots of people around town buttercup don’t throw your life away is all i’m saying the feeling of genuine care felt like a boulder it was too overwhelming so i split
two sisters
during the teen years i became smitten with two sisters i’d take them from the pockets and purses of the people i knew dated them too my wayward street girl path hit the thickest part of the city jungle in my early twenties with my ruby mouth cigarette dangling out i would work through the summers at whatever i found i loved the way the first sister built up my courage i felt like a god she was so very soft put her in my mouth and fill my nose with her essence but like in all relationships i couldn’t trust myself to be faithful i needed more more more insatiable gaping fool on an empty heart hurt in the prime of the blossom so i cheated with the second sister exotic delicious i remember the first bang like it was three seconds ago my God what a fuck and then the downfall the second sister i had been forewarned by all the zombies before me little girl that lady is forbidden fruit but i chased that wild dragon sucking at my tits what a beast of a filly the things she would do send my clitoris up to Neptune and soon i had to pay dues and in the foggy LA morning they found each other out yeah i was singing the blues so we experimented with a threesome their death plot foiled by an angel on the street after running in traffic and taking a beat lost in the dessert of old Mission street but i was too much my father’s daughter i couldn’t be a slave to these beautiful women we know them by name a prize on my head said sister one i’ll blow out her heart crooned sister two no angel no devil could free me from them so we tried our ménage a few more times and it came down to the fundamentals their soul or mine i quit them cold turkey they dragged me to hell i brought up our pre-nup they tightened the screws sent their foot soldiers to give me the news entice me with freebies and i had to say no and the soldiers those soldiers they understood gave me a green light and i’ve been running ever since then
simple misunderstandings
we
met
by the
fruit table oranges
you said were your favorite
fruit i smitten with the fairy tale ideology
of white pickets two point fives and a dog maybe even the PTA
you upstanding patriarch of the family business man in town i would be your one and only not your rodeo clown
psyche flags were risen and when discussed with the appropriate matriarchal councils all my flags burned down with the kerosene of suck it up or else you are not a woman worth your salt
fuck this i thought in the middle of a fight i would not be how i was expected to lay down
so rogue i went from that world of delusional pleasure tumbling weed freed
but alone in dissension doubt demons taunt relentless
so give me another bottle
to numb the
imposed shame
of
failure
la princesa guerrillera de la sur central
pequeña niña un sol con cara
triste que a la misma vez sonríe
porque así dice la ley paternal
florecita de todos colores
tus pequeñas raíces se esconden
detrás de palabras que ahorcan
tu garganta por no poder decir
lo que sientes en la casa
en la escuela en la telenovela
siempre debes de ser
de una u otra manera
pero cuando nuestros ojos
se estrellan los tuyos morenos
llenos de vida
los míos verdes escurridos
porque han visto mucho en la vida
tus labios se parten en dos
arrancas de tu mami y me miras con valor
oiga porque tiene esos dibujos en sus manos
y con mucho miedo me haces responder
son tatuajes quieres ver
y dices que feos tiras tu mirada al cielo
vuelves a la mano extendida de tu madre
pero solamente tú y yo sabemos
que un día vas a disparar tus propias palabras
a los cuatro vientos
mientras que las mías se quedan trabadas
en mis pasajeras manos
a princesa guerrilheira do sul central
menina um sol com cara
triste que ao mesmo tempo ele sorria
porque é isso que a lei paterna diz
florzinha de todas as cores
suas pequenas raízes se escondem
por trás das palavras que pairam
sua garganta por não ser capaz de dizer
o que você sente em casa
na escola na novela
você deve estar sempre
de uma ou outra maneira
mas quando nossos olhos
seus pardos quebram
cheio de vida
meu drenado verde
porque eles viram muito na vida
seus lábios se dividem em dois
você arranca da sua mãe e olha para mim com coragem
ouça por que você tem esses desenhos em suas mãos
e com muito medo você me faz responder
eles são tatuagens que você quer ver
e você diz feio você olha para o céu
você volta para a mão estendida de sua mãe
mas somente você e eu sabemos
que um dia você gravará suas próprias palavras
a quatro ventos
enquanto o meu fica trancado
nas minhas mãos que passam
south central warrior princess
little girl with a sun for a face
sad but at the same time she smiles
because that’s what the paternal law says
little flower of all colors
your tiny roots hide
behind words that stick in
your throat not being able to say
what you feel in your house
at your school in the soap opera
you must always be
one way or another
but when our eyes collide into each other
your brown ones full of life
my green ones drained
because they have seen so much in life
your lips split in two
you tear away from mommy and you look at me courageously
hey why do you have those drawings on your hands
and with fear you make me answer
they are tattoos you want to see
and you say their ugly while you look at the sky
and run back to your mother’s extended hand
but only you and i know
that one day you will launch your own words
at the four winds
while mine stay locked
in my aging hands
