i never saw a bird in microfiche before
and it crushed me
the sky outside has been clear for days
and i’m blind to it
the people above can see i’m trapped
and they tisk me
i never noticed me in the dispensary window before
and i despise me
the cathedral’s bell keeps clanging on
and it reminds me
the wings of life have withered off me
and i’m falling
my mind it soars just a magpie in the rain
my flight parallels the clown’s tribulation what to do serenity
endlessness of night
honeysuckle’s soft weeping
stars dull one by one
the edge of summer is always rougher in down town the garbage cooks in the hot August sun and the mango pits baste in the pigeons’ bath water but i can’t help to be in love with the complex and undeniable lived in beauty of the city
as soon as i step into the lobby i see Mr. Petrucchio’s grand daughter with a mile wide smile because granpa will be moving in with them today i agree the Cecil is no place for an aging refined man or anyone else who didn’t have the junky sickness or the negotiating with the devil credentials
half of my life has gone by although i count my birthdays in dog years so old in my soul and experience but too young in some circles a gen x’er with no money too many bills the last of the missing generation child of war birthday cake candle blower outer low brow collector little girl but i still have me rickety cracked me
sitting in my bed room with my cats and dog we laugh and talk as i finger bang the keyboard i think about smoking a cigarette but i don’t i miss the Cecil the old Cecil full of the residue of Adam’s sin i miss a phantom childhood you know the one where we become our parents’ parent yeah i’m not bitter i got to play with real barbie dolls mainly holding their hair back in my mom’s bathroom when they were throwing up too many cocktails diet pills and i guess too much cock that made them pregnant who knew i was just seven
its August 2019 the edge of summer again its rougher now we have placeless people stewing in the system stewing in the tents waiting for a breath of help the Cecil has cleaned up mostly serves to house tourists looking for the LA experience i shy away from their questions like where’s the best Mexican Food where can we find parking how much are you asking for a blow job baby and being me i have to answer back i’m too big to fit down your throat sweetheart i’ve learned to disarm some but not all yet i love my city it’s my home and she’s disarmed me any way she’s wanted to my sweet Sensei i’ve been a good student though she can’t deny that
where has life gone and my summers and popsicles hot dogs and fireworks on the fourth where has the magic gone i’ve missed much so the Fall is coming along with the adverts of pumpkin spice everywhere the new Fall collections the new laws that question the very validity of what the Gods have created and the pangs of sadness come but also the reminder that life goes on in spite of decree or tears or me i’m learning to love something greater than the world at long last hobo girl i say don’t worry you can still smile a mile wide
as far as little girls went i was not very normal i read and understood language on a different level i could imagine with my mind’s eye seeing the words float up from a page or sign or billboard or holy book like smoke when the Vatican has chosen a new pope
i thought i could genuinely speak to non human life forms through my thoughts and at a young age the whirlwind of the lives of the adults while in my Topanga canyon years caused me to believe in the spiritual something that was always there invisible but tangible only to my soul ever present warning me hide the keys flush those pills down the toilet before they get them and die for the day don’t go home with that man don’t touch mommy’s things hide by the creek
always the presence during the part of life when the soul seizes to be tender and becomes a little hardier the spiritual something became overbearing not like Joan of Arc’s but just getting in the way i wanted to do my will even though it wasn’t the right thing to do for the sake of my soul and well being i followed the human aspect that surrounded me and forsook the spiritual something
now that i’ve traversed several planetary rotations i know it’s there and sometimes i can feel it most often i can’t or i can’t tell if subconsciously i refuse to feel it however the mortgage of my misguided self agency has come due
marvelous are your
eyes full of ancient wisdom
so terrific comes
summer
ends
once again
i inventory all
the polite games we played
both on the one last night that we
shared and while the Thai noodles were great your constant chatter on how
girls matter more when they take care of themselves you took my face so gently and stared directly at my lips
my heart leapt once and then began to coil away it mattered not that i had thought that speaking words of kindness to the angry lonely man outside your door where far more decadent and precious than the
lipstick that i wore instead you said this shade of red you got from the corner store but my friend Beth who works for Saks can hook you up with Lancome it mattered not that i had thought
my 115 pounds were enough to be the woman i wanted to be instead you said your ass is flat we’ll
fix that at the gym i’ll put aside your contempt for my will
let wrinkles come like medals of high honor
i am who i am
smart bitch untamed
by the
beauty
myth
i love it when youre mad at me
and i try to lick your salty nipple
as you mutter in uncertainty
in between gulps of rye
i love it when we play house
you smack my ass
unzip your pants
and demand me to please
i love it when you ask of me
about politics and i say
i dont know i cant relate
but ive got to go and serve
the broken today
i love it when you yell at me
i shoot to the moon smiling
nodding on the fourth
like when Idris met Azrael
it breaks my heart
to come home
while youre lying on the floor
Gulliver tied down by
tiny airport bottles
i hate it when
i make you cry
after my lips no longer blue
call out your name
right before vomiting
my weakness you on your back
cock hard me on top
losing myself without regard
but right before
i come bouncing back to you
turning my tide
your palms on my thighs
laughing as we die
cover my eyes on your way out
it hurts me when i know
that i will be leaving
in a few hours to get away
from you
ill really miss
that ethereal tiny kiss
gifted from you to me
upon my forehead
when you asked to marry me
there really is no comfort
knowing that i love you
two grotesquely beautiful
liars contending
upon the mirrors of our eyes
containment is necessary if life is to be kept in the outskirts of ethical veils a true man is often deceiving to himself let the mirror lead us to the kneeling chamber pure blue get a clue im not in soft cookie scented pajamas anymore woman whore all the more follow that fellow he knows where to score and take a tissue for the blood ransacked of the floods of dignity dispelled in drought of love freedom the cosmetic side free of pungent primordial scent does not an anchor serve to preserve what we claim is precious fight snot nose kid get out if you don’t like it accident of lust and loss of mind what we want is not what we sought after hear the engines grind Chopin rings in the ear of what was innocent for only days and then the angels of carnality lead the way to where her wings allegorically to be ripped of the whipping back of martyrs run pretty momma go around shes ready gotcha little cunt face first chipped tooth kiss the feet of the Queen of Angels and the DAs assistant can scrape evidence from broken fingers after the appropriate forms have been signed
words less spoken 