gaza

with a fissured heart

and tired hands

aching legs and broken words

i grasp loosely to

figure

out

what is happening to us

i created the west of my spirit

and was gifted the east of my soul

not a child of import

but yes a child of a pompous war

not of one tribal affiliation

but stuck in the carnal politics

of the complications in people

if you could touch me now

my coat of lesser colors

you could set me free

You and i crossing water

to mourn my tiny innocence

she hangs in the corner closet

pretty robin’s egg blue coat

with every year

that has crawled by

she fades away from me

shoreline

the nutty wafts of kelp breeze

wrap around my body

looking at the waves they crash

the little crabs shake

their tiny pinchers at them

they all just laugh  

their foamy locks behind them

my fingers remind me

that i’m digging in the sand

i smile on my left side

two young lilac gulls screech

over some meaty mussels

my attention zooms in at the ferris wheel

closing my eyes

subtle waves of nauseous panic come

but you’re gone

your arms not there to hold me

your lips can not whisper

your hungry desires in my ear

your wandering finger tips caressing

the nipples on my breasts

as i whispered i want you

we both laughed

the piercings in your lips

they caught my hair

we clasped tattooed hands

the deepness in your voice

only for me

subtle wind moans

only to be cut by youthful laughter

holding my knees

those demons prick at me

your notes didn’t answer my questions

father’s abstract

i’m dreaming i’m a dude with kickstand and all the equipment i’m not bad looking kind of like Easy Rider Billy hmmm funny how i walk to the whiskey even in my dreams it’s just a dream right oh there’s a chick hmmm she’s mouthy i don’t care for that my middle tingles toughens up a little warmer than before that brunette is quiet her cigarette is sexy what do i do my jeans are super tight i need to wrap my arms around her waist another whiskey man two children who are they hmmm i’m a father the photo says why do i feel like crying shit the guys at the end of the bar will think i’m a pussy oh my God am i really asleep yeah man i’ll take a hit where you from brother Bakersfield i think what brings you into town running from a rap is that your machine outside i suppose it is what year is it brother 1976 my heart it beats fast and heavy the sting of speed is gone a man is a man but inside there’s something wrong fuck no time for that i gotta make the trip yet still i have the nagging weight of Lucy and the kids

mommy issues

it drips and mingles

marries with the blood

soothsayer to what comes

slashes through the confusion

of the heart ethics

of good and not

so much evil is

her delicious name i

a groupie of her’s

claimed soul punch the

mirror to break the


soul it’s cloaked in

tones of luke warm

vengeance clouded in the

wine and chemicals entwined

don’t need your knife

to stab my back

i can self destruct

in searing pleasure do

you know what love

is i didn’t think

so and words fall


from your corpsely lips

corrupting my intentions to

provide a safety switch

to the runaway train

that is my conscience

rage and anger exotic

sisters of pain and

trickery demons extraordinaire in

the doctrine of auto

annihilation i rebuke myself

turn to junkydom cliff

la cita

es muy temprano

son las cuatro

de la mañana

y las sombras

que caen afuera

hablan cosas de

mi vida y

no puedo respirar

me dicen que

usted dr. azul

es cardiólogo superior

y que me puede

diagnosticar y dar un beso

en las estrellas marinas

y que todo mi sufrimiento

se ahoga en el olvido

de las sirenas vestidas

en oro y plata

doctor cardiólogo

yo hago muchas preguntas

usted no sería el primero

en decir no puedo contestar

lo que necesita saber mujer

en unas horas estaré completamente

azul y gris con pena y el corazón

se desangra porque ya no puede mas

en su opinión cual es mi prognosis

señor doctor del corazón

lo tengo ya muy quebrado

hare mis planes finales

le acepto su beso

y buscare que los ángeles

negros me vengan a llevar

o encontro

é muito cedo

são às quatro

da manhã

e as sombras

que caem do lado de fora

eles falam sobre

minha vida e

não posso respirar

eles me dizem isso

você dr. azul

ele é um cardiologista superior

e o que você pode

diagnosticar e beijar

nas estrelas do mar

e que todo o meu sofrimento

afoga-se no esquecimento

das sereias vestidas

em ouro e prata

médico cardiologista

Eu faço muitas perguntas

você não seria o primeiro

em dizer que não posso responder

o que você precisa conhecer mulher

Dentro de algumas horas estarei completamente

azul e cinza com dor e coração

ele sangra porque ele não aguenta mais

na sua opinião qual é o meu prognóstico

senhor médico do coração

Eu já o tenho quebrado

Vou fazer meus planos finais

Eu aceito seu beijo

e vou procurar anjos

negros vêm para me levar

the appointment

it’s very early

it’s four o’clock

in the morning

and the shadows

that fall outside

they talk about

my life and

i can’t breathe

they tell me that

you dr. blue

are a superior cardiologist

and that you can

diagnose and kiss it away

in the stars by the sea

all of my suffering

drowns in oblivion

witnessed by mermaids dressed

in gold and silver

cardiologist doctor sir

i ask many questions

you would not be the first

in saying i can’t answer

what you need to know woman

in a few hours i will be completely

blue and gray with grief and a heart

that bleeds because it can’t take it anymore

in your opinion what is my prognosis

mr. heart doctor

it’s already broken

i will make my final plans

i’ll accept your kiss

and i will wait for the black angels

who come to take me

Photo mbrazfield 2019

pour toi, Charlie

the cattails sway slow

resin sun settles down deep

she has blazed all day

moon in silver comes

knocking at my back window

dig his Elvis suit

then E Piaf croons

tears brim in my tired eyes

never did i miss

you so much as i

do now even with all of

our misunderstood

way of saying words

to drive each other away

fearing that our hearts

would be ripped apart

by anemic attempts to

share a normal life

you the older one

did not necessarily

know best i was young

i did not know that

fucking my way through real love

in time would never

heal our broken parts

still not all was a failure

truth and wine reveal

little generational differences

laughing a little in the dream i had a roasted turnip with paprika for breakfast maybe that’s it it’s noon on Alpha Omega how does that work for you there is loneliness in her jeer but she keeps at me i’m not beautiful like a spring breeze i’m not delicate like a feather i cannot be a ballerina with two stone feet i am nothing and i cannot write pretty words like the zenith is your eyes i write rusted words like hurt me with your tongue knife and my ideas weigh like mercury on mars but she the Venus does not mind when i do her bidding our way of seeing life is very different i smitten with the downtown proletariat she with uptown well to do’s i can’t believe you are my daughter i know i say that i agree with you it’s too late momma i’m half way gone it’s best this way no hard feelins’ right i know punctuation and the grammar rules real fine but my lips shoot out the poisons thought of in my heart perhaps if reincarnation does abide the cosmic rules she’s supposed to follow i will come back as a super model just for you but now you’re gone and i see you in the clouds above in periwinkle linen and jewels the color of God’s eyes i heard you mother all of our unhappy life together and while on earth your words did bite me i also learned to use their teeth to cut my noose i ran away and did it my way it nearly killed me too but rest assured that in your way as a mother that you were your raising helped me through

three sun girl

at seven months utero blue washroom

the fists pummeled my mother’s face

she never knew i felt it too

in 71’ there was a great earth quake

they ran out and left me in

she never thought i felt it

a tiny tot no older than three suns

the girl with more suns you left me with

shoved my little hands and face

into her secret universes

nobody cared that forcefully i ate them

often told to talk about the greatness

of your perfection as a guide

remind me if you can what were your triumphs

with this backwards crazed unparentble child

other than your abandonment

for many years and as i developed into a self defined

grotesqueness of abomination

taught by the punks the junks and queers

they are my kind they know about the record

not knowing then what i know now

this feeling i snorted it in chugged it

down with lots of gin that other feeling

i shot it up to the Lord above and took it

in the front and back from any boy as lost as i was

i took the punches curses put downs and secrets

too unsavory for the family name sake

there was a time when i yelled fuck you to

everyone around i cut the cord called you both whores

and headed into town and here i stand until the

end that nears upon me nuzzling my throat

with words in nature cleansing

i now move up one more step of wisdom

understanding that the spark of love for you

unrequited as it was never tainted

the three sun girl can go to rest

her eyes no longer brimmed with tears but hope

atmospheric tiramisu

that Friday had been particularly rough my science teacher Mrs. Thorndyke must’ve been on the rag or something i’m not even sure why i went to school that day i guess i just needed the routine life was unraveling all over me my folks money politics and a robust octopus demon had it’s addiction tentacles around by mind i felt heavy lost i wanted to make it all go away if i got a gold fish took out the trash make dad a clay ashtray maybe if i behaved but my check engine light had been flashing for almost two years now

i walked around downtown til i hit Main street i was too tired to go to the nickel besides i knew Taino wasn’t home i didn’t trust sitting in the lobby of the King Edward by myself i had a feeling i went up to the roof of the Cecil i was a runt back then no one knew i was alive the sky was baby blue like a Joe Jackson song and right where the mountain crests with the horizon an atmospheric tiramisu of different colored smogs

looking down at the sidewalk on Main i would count the people coming in and out of the lobby i remember thinking these must be really happy folks well mannered with nice houses and lawns and supper my mind began to wander my body relaxed i wasn’t comparing or analyzing anymore i was just of the moment alone face to face with my 17 years of invisibility of course i thought about jumping but that streak of rebel pomposity fed by my love of the Sex Pistols thought jumping off the roof would be utterly trite

thank goodness for my photographic memory finger tips without having to shift my eyes from the helicopters pigeons and flag poles i reached into my book bag and fished out the Ritalin pills that soothed me when i felt like curling up and sucking my thumb in about half hour or half day the lines blurred i was thinking about the news and the Contras Viet Nam vets and crack cocaine i thought about how many homeless people there were and the crips and the bloods and everyone in between

nowadays i often think of that Friday and i wonder what would have become of me if i had been a popular girl a girly girl a girl whose parents were proper closet alcoholic church goers conscious voters PTA joiners and i wore dresses and never took anything stronger than grape juice but we were not like that no one was ever like that in truth we were all just ragers in our own way

my daydreams about the world its wars and LA were just smoke and mirrors to hide from what would inevitably be an incredible ride into familiar unknowns of wanting to die and fly and vomit and binge and fuck and love and cry and laugh and feel whole

Dr. Spock forgot to mention

launch

painful

fists at me

i don’t care that

it leaves a blue mark

i’ll just put ice on it

besides skin gets tougher with

time and i’ve got lots of it to

have patience and learn from your mistakes

take it out on me whip the love i have

for you into hell i won’t need it much

just don’t tell me that i’m useless rot

your tongue has a way of killing

a wide eyed love i have for

myself and the Spirit

and it will only

cause my will to

chase demons

in the

dark