is it possible to love you when your love feels like a hot railroad track is it possible to walk with you when your paths break my back is it possible to hold your hand when my beggar’s grip repels you is it possible to look into the mystique of your eyes when your face is my nightmare is it possible to honor you when you revel in being thee harlot is it possible that you birthed me only to orphan me
it’s the hour in the rotation of the world when i don’t know why i think and i only hear snippets of what she tells me in between her gulps of coffee it has to be that i’ve lost my mind i think but i’m not sure she continues on to point out how difficult things are and how weak people are and i say they never stop to think that women like us have had it hard she agrees with hot coffee in her throat mid gulp gesturing a resounding yes with her thin eyebrows pointing up like a big foam hand at a baseball game he wanted masculine children and he cried when he had us but we had to be ladies in the midst of manly challenges how the minds were molded i think and i quip out loud there are no real man or woman challenges we get equal problems shoved down our throats and we gotta grow a dick to solve them and then chop it off when we’re done cut us a slit and put on lipstick and smile and stick out our boobs and then take it like a man all over again and again yet i’ve known so many who fold at the slightest breeze of uncertainty
and we laugh at the newest meteor hail storm we’re coasting through i marvel at our ability to be A Lincoln M Monroe J Dillinger and E Roosevelt all in one mind warp to answer and resolve the sums and restitutions owed by our father we are told girls don’t hold a quiver in your voice but it’s expected that when the crowds go home you should wither like a delicate orchid ripped from its stem and i see her from the corner of my eye tired a daddy’s little girl who is now the man of his house a mother and a father to us all she’s tired then i look down at my big boy feet my small girl hands my soldier’s soul my lost spirit angst and it becomes unbearable
let us praise sweet baby Jesus for this liver of mine these combat boots circa 1989 the fuck you nose in the air Lost Angelina flair thank my lucky stars for me growing up between the nickel and old school Hollywood i like a mold among the sparkly tinsel glow of all of those who have come and gone but i am still here, ha! and to the goodness let us thank you too for gifting me the shadows of Bukowski’s foot steps his words and his bungalows over on the east side thank you universe for allowing me the courage or something to taunt my teachers with the scratching of my internal she balls and my mohawk and knee scabs after countless drunken skateboard falls while attempting to take a calculus test thank you God for the life You have let me have and the free will to let me feel the punching caresses of the days gone by
as a child by the river i’d sit watching birds and tin cans faded reds with silver coca cola brand the Vietnamese grandpas were fishing
for hours studying the leaves grownups brawling and guzzling their beer speaking of politics and the cost of living the Vietnamese grandpas were fishing
and my innocence of mind would cause a wonder did the birds have veins like my tree leaves had tucked away between the feathers on their wings the Vietnamese grandpas were fishing
and when the time came to leave my clan i headed to a school and i studied nature in a most unnatural of states when i began to see it all the universe like the light of day the leaves the birds the skies stars and twigs they all had veins like the ones i saw as i received smiling foreign words pats on head and soda cans down by that river bed from the Vietnamese grandpas who were fishing
the laughter in between the rays of the sun was missing i only noticed three days back when no eyes had shown glimmer or soul all were downcast and on the path cutting through the park the brown quilted fuzz on the cattails had fallen off and the wind and bird beaks carried it off to pollinate and line the nests for spring but the gravel under my low top white converse didn’t sass back with the crunchy feisty sound spurting from each tired step today was the today i had been counting back thousands of todays to my early youth of pink cheeked days by the legs of soldiers brothers wounded in battle combating through life while my post toddler mind wondered why the choir lead was laying down asleep in the blue and silver box as his wife and daughters cried over the flag blanketing him and while my shadow creeps under the shade of the upcoming crabapple trees i came to know this is what happens when the singer dies
slumber, i’m here see by your side 50 years b’tween oh what the shit we’ve seen words fed me like a bird later i met your friends among podiums raised to you old man western Blvd we walked the Hollywood falling bridge west scoring beer with publishers checks me scoring in other ways but i got the gist of you don’t try you said i said let me see you liked whores i liked bus stops pigeons in the night we both liked dive bars hard boiled eggs at half past nine tough you challenged me but not before the ham on rye beer on tap my imagination