letting go

mbrazfield (c) 2021

air enmeshed on my face
gases greases spices biohazard turbulence
steps i do take deftly
for fear of stepping on someone’s pride or fingers
heart where do you find me
not close by tonight i’m sorry
lungs pained by the dull recycled wind
legs tired from walking on my knees
hands exhausted from typing and knocking on borrowed doors
that were sealed shut years ago
Langers you’ve outdone yourself
pastrami parfum greets me in the mouth
but pauper pockets must decline
not enough to eat on any night
moon follows explaining what went wrong
i’ve stopped listening 20 years back
the coat that was my father’s
has fell apart in the warm places
it served me well as now i’m frozen
in all the right places
only the ghosts living in the bricks
get through to where my thoughts
the truth about letting go

great Grady’s ghost!

it happened in slow motion lightning fast simultaneously laughing gas i crawled like a cheetah at the break neck speed of a snail that’s all i can think of i remember it was 4:44 am and i needed to go to thee room not any room thee room people were sitting on plastic chairs orange yellow green like an artificial fruit salad outside of the Macy’s window circa 1936 there were little speakers on the ceiling with little mesh coverings like those that cover the shower drainage holes i thought i might have been walking on the bathtub floor laughing gas they said and further down the hall there were ashtrays big tall cylinders with a silver topping and sand and butts yellow butts put out i could see the name brands on them Menthol Kools Marlboro Winston Camel and then there were big cigar pieces i don’t know what you might have called them i was just a kid i remember seeing tiny little Dixie cups inside of the telephone booths and there they would be those little cups with blue and yellow flowers and the name Dixie i guess that’s where people stash their pills i also remember the phones being off the hook buzzing and buzzing and buzzing and i imagine an old woman on the left hand side middle booth cream dress church hat white wiry hair crystal green eyes and dead lips she stared at me like a frog i look down i know who she was once we passed across the hall there was a war survivors and i peeked and i saw a room full of gurneys men mostly black men with bloody bandages somewhere missing legs and then from my right ear i could hear an invisible body that sounded like they were from Texas white harsh hateful yelling at the top of this lungs to be taken out of that room he didn’t particularly like being with the coloreds i had never seen something like that the laughing gas they say the laughing gas and further down the hall no yellow brick road my hair wild frizzy intertwined with a piece of bubblegum right in the middle but they didn’t know and i didn’t tell it was strawberry i believe later that night with my tiny little left hand i recall pulling it out the pain made me feel down to earth although i don’t know what was happening to me i had little hands finally we reached our destination the nurse lifted me up and while she carried me for about 4 seconds and sat me on my gurney i remember seeing my little gown pink with little yellow teddy bears my little thighs were bloody i don’t know why i could feel my nose being crusty and no one in the room was my relative no one in the room was anything other than a wage-earner no one in the room was anything more then a team of let’s put them back together again the laughing gas the laughing gas they sing

on the sidelines

the sun feels tender on my face on Saturday mornings the pushcart prophets dive deep bent at the waist looking for daily bread the blessed or lucky or trust funded or me we sit on the sidelines safety nets in special edition knapsacks and gluten free snacks me just a cup of coffee and a head full of lucid dreams that the year has nursed with me in thoughts so little spoken feeling not the slightest obligation to mill through success and failure and measurements of poise dignity and strength i sit there golden sun strokes my she dong and life is lived in various circumstances i for some reason only known to beloved Dharma bums have the privilege to sit inactively here today and tweedle my brains smiling at my chances to my left an angel cries out the gospel in a fevered torrent hexed and exhausted but delivering a message for free without the complications of mega centers and fine Italian suits


and then the YHWH said I told

you so the vampires suck my mind clean but there is nothing that

the blue cannot repair when i get

the itch beyond repair the bones of rapture sidewalk dirty o hosanna mercy

my unto you split tongued brother me

thinks that behind all the churches Eve was framed pass the roller holy

shit i now see the world is

beautiful float float float among the brick the sign the pain the red

rider gives me a lift brother what

you say John it is i who is ugly pardon me sir i

am your mirror antiseptic dirty test don’t

beg in front of my cathedral go next door boy next door boy

next door the Buddhala idols clash with

the golden walls of mirage purpose Vegas you say i guess let’s get

away oh yes brothers yes the young

of evermore fodder for the dirty lust i must i trust i shall

be cleansed the flock will not be

taken Satan must not win but he would go play poker what you

say yes he can 7:13 ok roller

square dice baby pierce the bribes of common let the goat go to

the edge don’t let the innocent crumble




me no rest

blind darkness thrive

in the garden hidden past the mountain

fold my arms atop my chest and walk off


cold and dry




where have

you gone from

your wild child free

but lost to fences that strike my soul shut

i don’t see the stars any longer light

anyone’s way

before night

one last





soy de

corazón salvajemente inquieta

orgullosa de ser quien soy

cuando lagrimas caen de mis ojos son hielo

mi sonrisa parte piedras y mis puñaladas son de amor niña brava voladora

música que grita de mi alma volcán de las diosas manchada en esplendor negro y rojo mil banderas en el cielo

mis botas marchan así al los terrenos desconocidos para conquistar toda la sabiduría humo violento de cien civilizaciones corren en la sangre industrial con guitarras y altavoces ídolos del circulo somos dueños del espacio

mis garras sucias con pecados inocentes mi maquillaje esconde la verdad del sonido eterno rebeldía dulce universo en mi ojo verde

en la ciudad de las estrellas todos brillamos en los cartones y mansiones

mas rápido quiero velocidad arrancar mi peso y volar

con mis pulseras de plástico

tatuajes de acero

labios callados




eu confesso

o que

sou de

coração descontrolado

orgulho de ser quem eu sou

quando as lágrimas caem dos meus olhos são gelo

meu sorriso parte pedras e meus esfaqueamentos são de amor voando menina corajosa

música que grita da minha alma deusas do vulcão manchadas em esplendor negro e bandeiras vermelhas mil no céu

minhas botas marcham assim para as terras desconhecidas para conquistar toda a sabedoria violenta fumaça de cem civilizações corridas no sangue industrial com guitarras e oradores ídolos do círculo nós possuímos o espaço

meus sujos com pecados inocentes minha maquiagem esconde a verdade do eterno som doce universo rebelde em meu olho verde

na cidade das estrelas, todos nós brilhamos nas caixas e mansões

mais rápido eu quero velocidade para puxar meu peso e voar

com minhas pulseiras de plastico

tatuagens de aço

lábios silenciosos






i am a

wildly restless heart

proud to be who i am

when tears fall from my eyes  they are ice

my smile splits stones and my punches are pure love brave flying girl

music that screams from my soul volcano goddesses stained in black and red splendor a thousand flags in the sky

my boots march to unknown lands to conquer all wisdom violent smoke of a hundred civilizations run in the industrial blood with guitars and amplifiers idols of the circle we own the space

my dirty nails with innocent sins my makeup hides the truth of the eternal sound rebellious sweet universe in my green eye

in the city of stars we all shine in the boxes and mansions

faster i want speed to pull my weight and fly

with my plastic bracelets

steel tattoos

silent lips