conditional love

i guess i’ll see you

3 am works for me too

when you get here

climb into bed

shock my soul awake

with your cold hands

gunmetal lips upon my neck

your left knee shucking

my reluctant legs open

we say a few false words

we disagree on stupid things

and we pretend that we are civil

when all we are

when all we have been

are two wild and seething animals

needing to get fucked

to release pain and rejection

and forget the wars that we have fought

why are we so afraid

you even more so than me

why do you come here

what could i possibly offer

that you haven’t already had

from better women

is it my cunning

my tortured soul

my soldier mentality

or my willingness

to be your whore

in your world

i am nothing

you are king

in my world

you still don’t know

i exist and i laugh

at the complexity

of your thoughts

and your offerings

your confusion as to who

i am

let me tell you who i’m not

unlike the others

i will not play a part

you can’t dress me up

change how i breath

what i smoke what i drink

i

will

not

follow you around

send you love letters

or get a manicure

you want your cock sucked

you know i’m game

and like a good little baller

you know how i play

before the tantric show you want

i need to feel your collateral in me

bite me squeeze me hold me down and tease me

i won’t look into your eyes

because that’s when our problems start

the hearts start beating

like they’re one

and then you go and leave me

for you

may your health always be abundant

and if your heart goes on and skips a beat

may it be for raging glorious joy

and not caused by anger that you keep

i wish you all the gold and silver coins

that your pockets can absorb

and that your house be warm and stable

with no enemies at your door

may your children be strong and faithful

may they grow in the wisdom you provide

as they walk in your own footsteps

until the day of their own path arrives

may your hands always be filled with warmth and comfort

radiating from the hands of those who love you so

may you always have the blessings

from the One who guides your soul

he loves me not

i go away tomorrow

will you not love

me three times tonight

i’ll come again to

hold your hand but

we never know our

fate or luck and

if we come to

stay for a few

hours more then what

will change in us

pour toi, Charlie

the cattails sway slow

resin sun settles down deep

she has blazed all day

moon in silver comes

knocking at my back window

dig his Elvis suit

then E Piaf croons

tears brim in my tired eyes

never did i miss

you so much as i

do now even with all of

our misunderstood

way of saying words

to drive each other away

fearing that our hearts

would be ripped apart

by anemic attempts to

share a normal life

you the older one

did not necessarily

know best i was young

i did not know that

fucking my way through real love

in time would never

heal our broken parts

still not all was a failure

truth and wine reveal

magpie in the rain

i never saw a bird in microfiche before

and it crushed me

the sky outside has been clear for days

and i’m blind to it

the people above can see i’m trapped

and they tisk me

i never noticed me in the dispensary window before

and i despise me

the cathedral’s bell keeps clanging on

and it reminds me

the wings of life have withered off me

and i’m falling

my mind it soars just a magpie in the rain

haiku for Petra

endlessness of night

honeysuckle’s soft weeping

stars dull one by one

grady’s haiku

a twisted twig i

am not worthy of your cross

Rabbi gather me

for a wild Irish boy

tempest in your name

wild love ripples through my soul

tease me rowdy wind

periodic emissions

i must’ve needed the pain you gave me

it started like a dream knowing always

that it wasn’t meant to be because of odds

i was so very screwed in the head

my compass smashed by consequential hammers of life

you were what i needed then

but you came not to me without your complications

we didn’t make love

i don’t even think i know what that is today

it’s not been explained in anything i ever read

least of all not there when you’d touched me

we fucked like animals and it was explosively good

and i’m not ashamed i have no regrets and i’d do it again

you cautious i free

all of which was good and partly wholesome  

after my fifth reincarnation

i can now admit i was looking to die

you were the perfect trigger

cruel mean handsome strong smart older

and so very wrong for me

i the perfect foil

in the hunt that men love

gullible vulnerable presentable stupid educated young

i have aged since then yet i haven’t grown

i’m a perpetual socially functioning adult

with the soul of the song of the lone barn owl

in the dead of a rainy frosty northern night

as the minutes pass every now and again

they stab me slash me and run away laughing

with the memories of your bristly mouth

alternately between my lips and my breasts

my neck and my legs

your rough skinned hands clasping my wrists

to keep me from jumping

your honey yellow eyes who wept

with me at our miscarriage

and your graying temples

where the kind lies of indiscretions were confined

if i still smoked i’d light up

after some of the dreams i’ve had of you

i miss our chemistry animalistic

sloppy sleepless rough bitter

with the right amount of intensity and ambrosia

i miss your manly scent woodsy of earth like Adam

the reverberation of your voice

on my navel

zenith

chaos in our blood

sunrise joins our hungry mouths

zen entwines our flesh