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mbrazfield (c) 2020

we’ve always been

mbrazfieldm (c) 2020

kleiner clown

stars twinkle quietly pretty shards of diamonds distorted by millions of eons away from my finger tips

surfing in my mind thinking of my mom Lou Reed starts to rise and my heart falls apart

the bitter melancholy comes in sputters black roses start to wilt

thoughts float about in icy sky line no snow or eastern blocks in California

my mother where did she go where was i left to the mercy of the gravity among the milky way

Klaus Nomi sits in shiny triangle black space to my right singing opera lullabies

the water from my eyes wells up but doesn’t spill instead it boils down to dust which i use to bury myself no more lingering on

reading books of talismans in the pitch of the darkest part of night purple pinks blues and blacks

with the soot from the bottom of my foot i draw a wide smile upon the center of my soul

where in daylight for your pleasure will always be radiant

the photo

there you are ever so elusive little girl in marching boots eyes full of emotions jaded and dry your face long hair going it’s own way and your lips couching words hardly ever spoken what happened to you can you tell me anything or do you assume i already know the pillow the dark room the old narrow bed sheets scratching and pricking like thorns and when it was over the negative processed in the infinite dark rooms of our mind days became stages of distortion where actors die to live but you exit right all the time the night’s cusp on your worried face the wider you smile the deeper the pain snapshot smile snapshot cry snapshot deny 

they

they too tumultuous for the human skin in the concrete castles of their heritage across seas and spirits children of the mental Gypsy of the skies buried standing up because of the way it had to be they modern ancients blood slow blue for bruising not for nothing else pain deep from marrow bone deafening in the soul of future fruitlings scrubbing out a filthy spot that wickedly came anyway woe upon no one else but the dueling ‘archs’ and pass the wine for sobbing

this thing

the thing it is fantastically big

dark with some pockets of rainbow

like an oil spill choking oxygen from the sea

this thing it creeps upon me

looks me in the eyes until my glance falls

to the ground beneath my bare feet

such a crazy thing it is comes when i need to rest

and like a vine above my dreams there it hangs

menacing the angels and their holy valor

the thing it swallowed my St. Christopher

when i was three it crush my compass too

ripped my maps to smithereens

left my raft broken in many places

now that i am old and sunken in

this thing still haunts me

it shakes me shrieks at me and makes me cry

i have tried to fight with fire water and dope

then i thought i’d be nice and slept with it

but to no avail this thing grew denser and denser

not even the sacred doves could pacify it

but like all who have come before me

and to those who come this way

i have learned to exist amongst it

this thing my fearful monster

i chained to it

both night and day

for you

may your health always be abundant

and if your heart goes on and skips a beat

may it be for raging glorious joy

and not caused by anger that you keep

i wish you all the gold and silver coins

that your pockets can absorb

and that your house be warm and stable

with no enemies at your door

may your children be strong and faithful

may they grow in the wisdom you provide

as they walk in your own footsteps

until the day of their own path arrives

may your hands always be filled with warmth and comfort

radiating from the hands of those who love you so

may you always have the blessings

from the One who guides your soul

cloudy head

pic by mbrazfield 2019

i didn’t always know

that life would be

ok

i was never sure

who would be there

but

my understanding of the

workings of the world

would

arrive some day i

guessed a lot at

seven

so i watched the

war planes fly fast

t.v.

kept my heart curious

about how life could

have

been but didn’t quite

happen that way for

me

but i have ten

fingers and ten toes

i

can still walk and

talk although nonsense it

may

be and i can

laugh and sing off

key

and i can find

those old reels of

the

blitzkriegs and still feel

the sadness for the

world

my head those clouds

i somehow knew well

just

a child i was

lost in the luftwaffe

of

life’s adults who were

possibly less well equipped

than

me a little kid

mastering the power to

heal

mommy issues

it drips and mingles

marries with the blood

soothsayer to what comes

slashes through the confusion

of the heart ethics

of good and not

so much evil is

her delicious name i

a groupie of her’s

claimed soul punch the

mirror to break the


soul it’s cloaked in

tones of luke warm

vengeance clouded in the

wine and chemicals entwined

don’t need your knife

to stab my back

i can self destruct

in searing pleasure do

you know what love

is i didn’t think

so and words fall


from your corpsely lips

corrupting my intentions to

provide a safety switch

to the runaway train

that is my conscience

rage and anger exotic

sisters of pain and

trickery demons extraordinaire in

the doctrine of auto

annihilation i rebuke myself

turn to junkydom cliff

little generational differences

laughing a little in the dream i had a roasted turnip with paprika for breakfast maybe that’s it it’s noon on Alpha Omega how does that work for you there is loneliness in her jeer but she keeps at me i’m not beautiful like a spring breeze i’m not delicate like a feather i cannot be a ballerina with two stone feet i am nothing and i cannot write pretty words like the zenith is your eyes i write rusted words like hurt me with your tongue knife and my ideas weigh like mercury on mars but she the Venus does not mind when i do her bidding our way of seeing life is very different i smitten with the downtown proletariat she with uptown well to do’s i can’t believe you are my daughter i know i say that i agree with you it’s too late momma i’m half way gone it’s best this way no hard feelins’ right i know punctuation and the grammar rules real fine but my lips shoot out the poisons thought of in my heart perhaps if reincarnation does abide the cosmic rules she’s supposed to follow i will come back as a super model just for you but now you’re gone and i see you in the clouds above in periwinkle linen and jewels the color of God’s eyes i heard you mother all of our unhappy life together and while on earth your words did bite me i also learned to use their teeth to cut my noose i ran away and did it my way it nearly killed me too but rest assured that in your way as a mother that you were your raising helped me through