Carol was trying
to find a few cigarette butts to gut out to make a whole cigarette although she
wasn’t a smoker she’d sell them to her neighbors in the tent next door for
fifty cents with her thin arms and micro wrists she’d toil for a couple of
weeks to raise enough money to go to the flower store on Los Angeles street and
buy her parole officer a single rose or sometimes two or three red carnations i
had met Carol while i was in high school at that time she was in her thirties
she befriended me at People’s Store asking me about my perfume on account that she
liked it i was a young punk and i told her that i wasn’t wearing any and walked
off Carol stood there looking confused but the guilt gnawed at my chest and i could
feel my ears turning hot and red i told my friend to go home and i walked
backward a few steps toward Carol as i turned to her i mumbled at her that i was sorry for blowing her off and
offered her my snickers bar she lit up and said thanks kid but i’d rather have
some of that beer you have in your back pack i froze and denied having anything
in my bag although i knew damned well i had a bottle of Daniels i didn’t like
beer we both smiled knowing each other’s truth in bullshit every now and again i’d
go looking for her with water bottles canned food and the occasional AJ note if
i could spare it we talked about DTLA and Skidrow Carol laughed and i watched
her and then she started to tell me about her family out in Virginia Carol had
been a victim of many unspeakable things my relationship with Carol lasted for
about three years or so her sanity was remarkable but as time went on it became unbearable to watch her sleep during
the day in the summer LA heat her legs were encrusted with months of dirt and
when i stared long enough at the splotches they were almost artistic or hieroglyphic
in a way i stopped visiting for a few months to reckon with my own demons when i
returned it was during spring time and Carol did not recognize me i found her
on the corner of 6th and Wall squatted down bare footed picking peas
out of a tin can with half a label that read Springfield by her feet was an old
pill bottle that read Retrovir a few cigarette butts and a mangled how to live
with HIV pamphlet
there is something
mystic about how you held your cigarette and smiled at me with soothing turquoise
eyes and a twinkle in your tone the mere idea of your touch floods me in places
that i cant mention while the lilies stand alone in glasses full of wine i still
think of you at dawn and how you made me woman through your arms and your voice
and your dreams and your thoughts i was every femme fatale sans the silver
screen a dress up doll knitted in the silk of your tongue remember your company’s
party we were better than the real Rick and Ilsa when did time go by Charlie now
the moons have passed and people descend lower into madness and love is
threatened by my not finding my place without you my Black Flag to your Rolling
Stones my Smiths to your CCR but we both liked Kurt Weill and we both loved
making love and greasy fries afterwards longing is hell am i that bad as to
have lost you “he’s up in heaven so i’ve got to be good” every now and again i see
your pea green fedora staring at me and it says ‘mornin, angel’ with that
Indiana twang
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i see how beautiful you are comfort for the
industrial spawn city child
your orange backs stop my steps from going too far
without smiling in the bleakness of the day waving docile fins
your jewel backs charming treasure afterthought of the
straggler in the mood of the times scientology across the street while the bed bugs
do battle cry by the patisserie of my distant sullied youth
in the pavement my eyes the news of the day beguiles
to think that in your face there might be happiness
around you go with the brothers in the dark pool of my
mind
it’s very
late and the crickets are bedding down in the banana trees for the night and
behind the brick walls yes the ones tagged with nonsense the drunkard kings are
pissing i’ve been kicked out of many a slummy joint you wouldn’t be the first
bouncer to pop that cherry although i give you the fact that i was a little
loud when the barkeep wouldn’t take my buck for a bottle of vodka but you
understand i’m petite and not of swift feet when i’ve had a few tom collins’
down my gullet ok i get it don’t call my parent’s and that is not my id card
but i do resent it when you won’t admit it that i’m the best duker in the bunch
and while i have rosy knuckles to prove it let’s not point out last week’s black
eye but don’t worry about me by the time i’m in my forties i might have been through
a few programs for exceptional drinkers but psychoanalysis has nothing to do with
a girl having fun on a Saturday night and by the way can you hold my hair back i
feel a wave of chili coming up