to miss

my ears have heard

words and utterances

some warm some cold sharp void of life

i fill a dropper full of lies and squeeze them in my eyes

but they roll out eventually

the heart can’t be made a fool even if it’s mine

i haunt the streets and alley ways i pick at crates and smoke away the vision of a miserable creature

whose love just ran away and left her with no direction

in my nightmare the flying carpets are ubiquitous and free

the torment starts when you stop by to tell me about my sorrows

the roses pluck at their own thorns as if they know i won’t come back tomorrow

mbrazfieldm (c) 2020

memorandum

would it make life easier for you if i said outloud what i’d rather just share with you

would it make you a bigger man if i would publish all of my missteps and ineptitudes

do you deserve to know how much you mean to me the tears i’ve shed the drugs i dared to impress you

do you care about my thoughts my feelings my decrees or what i see around this word

if what you want is to fuck and bolt pretend that there was nothing wrong

if all you want is to get a title of renaissance man a golden plaque with gilded letters and pretty words

that’s not really me i’m now buried in a cold dark life locked in under the headstone you chiseled for me etched with nothing meaningful

advantage

i’m drunk on confusion you see Stockholm syndrome all up inside of me we’ve had a different mix here and there cast multiple rolls only to find myself back at your door i can lie to myself think that i’m strong a bad bitch a winner but i know that i’m wrong for reasons unknown you stabbed me up and i done you wrong we went our own way several times but always united by the love to our life immaturity by my side you took a shot and i had to take five and as time passes by the bitter salt crust seems to fall off i concede your advantage you have my heart

the photo

there you are ever so elusive little girl in marching boots eyes full of emotions jaded and dry your face long hair going it’s own way and your lips couching words hardly ever spoken what happened to you can you tell me anything or do you assume i already know the pillow the dark room the old narrow bed sheets scratching and pricking like thorns and when it was over the negative processed in the infinite dark rooms of our mind days became stages of distortion where actors die to live but you exit right all the time the night’s cusp on your worried face the wider you smile the deeper the pain snapshot smile snapshot cry snapshot deny 

the purge

get lost

Love

away with you

i’ve packed your bags

your cab is called

get the fuck out of my way

let me place

my bourbon on this table

and no i don’t use your coasters

i’m done with you

i refuse to wait

no more a fool

my time is out

for years and years

and seven fold

i crawled on knees

i soiled my soul

for you to hold me

i yearned for you

i cried for you

i died for you

so many many times

and in the darkest times

when i thought you cared

you tricked me

with a warm hand

a kind lie

or a fake kiss

i ran away

and groveled

and that one time

a torrid past

with three or four

i shared your bed

thinking i was special

but now i’m grown

and have found

a better lover

he’s cold and dull

and never calls

but never yells

or hits or tells

me how imperfect i am

i adore him

the only loyal one

Solitude

conditional love

i guess i’ll see you

3 am works for me too

when you get here

climb into bed

shock my soul awake

with your cold hands

gunmetal lips upon my neck

your left knee shucking

my reluctant legs open

we say a few false words

we disagree on stupid things

and we pretend that we are civil

when all we are

when all we have been

are two wild and seething animals

needing to get fucked

to release pain and rejection

and forget the wars that we have fought

why are we so afraid

you even more so than me

why do you come here

what could i possibly offer

that you haven’t already had

from better women

is it my cunning

my tortured soul

my soldier mentality

or my willingness

to be your whore

in your world

i am nothing

you are king

in my world

you still don’t know

i exist and i laugh

at the complexity

of your thoughts

and your offerings

your confusion as to who

i am

let me tell you who i’m not

unlike the others

i will not play a part

you can’t dress me up

change how i breath

what i smoke what i drink

i

will

not

follow you around

send you love letters

or get a manicure

you want your cock sucked

you know i’m game

and like a good little baller

you know how i play

before the tantric show you want

i need to feel your collateral in me

bite me squeeze me hold me down and tease me

i won’t look into your eyes

because that’s when our problems start

the hearts start beating

like they’re one

and then you go and leave me

truth or chance

take

my heart

tumble it

beating for you

gamble take the risk don’t make me wait long

Russian roulettes corner me black on red

kiss me where it

hurts me more

then go

truth

just

lip deep

i love you

not today dare

to be a fool you might win the game prize

i’m willing to pawn my life for a mere

cold twist of fate

we might find

that we

bleed

splinter

i hope you look at me

from across this blue bed

immersed in your man business

i immersed in a primal hot urge

turn around i command you

i laugh in my head

i crouch quietly like a tigress

licking my lips fantasizing

of your thirst quenching sweets

raw essence on my pulsating tongue

waiting for you to turn off

the computer lights

and turn on my gyrator circuitry board

i’m bathed

i’m slicked in the patchouli you love

my t-shirt the loose one with LA Kings GO!

flash you a warning i do hope you know

that when you lay here

i’ll nuzzle your neck

tug at your ear

lick down the center

of your bristly chest

and right when i reach there

the music comes on

you get sentimental

and you pull me on up

to kiss and to hold me

and call me your love

that’s when it’s ruined

and i start to crumble inside

i know that you told her

the same thing last night