tempest in your name
wild love ripples through my soul
tease me rowdy wind
Hollywood
periodic emissions
i must’ve needed the pain you gave me
it started like a dream knowing always
that it wasn’t meant to be because of odds
i was so very screwed in the head
my compass smashed by consequential hammers of life
you were what i needed then
but you came not to me without your complications
we didn’t make love
i don’t even think i know what that is today
it’s not been explained in anything i ever read
least of all not there when you’d touched me
we fucked like animals and it was explosively good
and i’m not ashamed i have no regrets and i’d do it again
you cautious i free
all of which was good and partly wholesome
after my fifth reincarnation
i can now admit i was looking to die
you were the perfect trigger
cruel mean handsome strong smart older
and so very wrong for me
i the perfect foil
in the hunt that men love
gullible vulnerable presentable stupid educated young
i have aged since then yet i haven’t grown
i’m a perpetual socially functioning adult
with the soul of the song of the lone barn owl
in the dead of a rainy frosty northern night
as the minutes pass every now and again
they stab me slash me and run away laughing
with the memories of your bristly mouth
alternately between my lips and my breasts
my neck and my legs
your rough skinned hands clasping my wrists
to keep me from jumping
your honey yellow eyes who wept
with me at our miscarriage
and your graying temples
where the kind lies of indiscretions were confined
if i still smoked i’d light up
after some of the dreams i’ve had of you
i miss our chemistry animalistic
sloppy sleepless rough bitter
with the right amount of intensity and ambrosia
i miss your manly scent woodsy of earth like Adam
the reverberation of your voice
on my navel
just the flu
the magic leaves sanity a sacrifice ill pay for it tomorrow you gotta get some help tidal waves before me the river banks have failed screaming angels in a rage the faces flashing in the night i look for her and i cant find her sweet warm jello fingers pushing buttons to the elevator going up can you smell the gardenias wilting beeping and the blinking of the medical equipment sent tiny shocks of stress directly to the head the only way to soothe myself after a stressful situation was to savor the sensation of my eyes rolling to the back of my third eye it started with strained nerves and jittery eyelids tiny tear drops oozing from the corners and then the dark flowing through pin-hole relief of my private world painted with French carnival colors golds were greens reds that were milky blood pink old ship ropes and Macaque monkeys like the ones in Tangiers i remember while riding on the ambulance that late summer night
22 days
third
night
comes fast
bleeding has not
stopped but i wonder how
the little birds are doing outside its raining
the momma flutters about with pink worms impaled on her beak squirming one
last time as slowly as time is crawling my thoughts converse i imagine them eating cucumber sandwiches asking if worms breath
my bladder called mad as hell on account she needed to be emptied cold with wiggly knees i stood as if my life depended on it i smiled a little wishing i could care
twenty two days of my demons staring me down i imagined them wearing fine silk tunics sky blue laughing green eyes and if i could feel them they would feel like velvet i missed the lies but when they possessed me it was if i was being held by a mother tenderly and warm safely
away from the dark but one day my eyes opened and i saw that it wasn’t true none of it tired of my demons telling me what to do i stopped talking to them inviting them in the resentments i felt where stronger than the need for false love and security which they offered so well at first it was easy then it became hard then it was as if i just walked from one box car to another waiting for the entire train to go off the rails
waif
death
cover
me no rest
blind darkness thrive
in the garden hidden past the mountain
fold my arms atop my chest and walk off
temperature
cold and dry
country
of
mine
where have
you gone from
your wild child free
but lost to fences that strike my soul shut
i don’t see the stars any longer light
anyone’s way
before night
one last
kiss
sentimental
there is something mystic about how you held your cigarette and smiled at me with soothing turquoise eyes and a twinkle in your tone the mere idea of your touch floods me in places that i cant mention while the lilies stand alone in glasses full of wine i still think of you at dawn and how you made me woman through your arms and your voice and your dreams and your thoughts i was every femme fatale sans the silver screen a dress up doll knitted in the silk of your tongue remember your company’s party we were better than the real Rick and Ilsa when did time go by Charlie now the moons have passed and people descend lower into madness and love is threatened by my not finding my place without you my Black Flag to your Rolling Stones my Smiths to your CCR but we both liked Kurt Weill and we both loved making love and greasy fries afterwards longing is hell am i that bad as to have lost you “he’s up in heaven so i’ve got to be good” every now and again i see your pea green fedora staring at me and it says ‘mornin, angel’ with that Indiana twang
fast lane mantra
decrease the speed wild
child of the streets the Queen begs
don’t rush life away
your LA spirit
girl troubadour of the night
rock hard and steady
Hollywood sign up
ahead but it tells you to
stop and see yourself
for old times sake
place my cheek upon
your palms and draw me into
your love one last time
broker
the jasmine breeze floats
through your presence
i see your eyes looking at me
with uncertainty the electricity is dry
the crispness of your laugh pulsates at 3 seconds per beat
both of our demons stay in their corners where the beauty has her throne
our every move from the lightest wink
to the full blown hand holding
in the far away universe of the ozone gray smoke
bitter smell of another neuron dead
we did not love one another
i loved your image
and thinking on it now
you were a lost boy with a pretty smile and power
i knew the how-to’s of the score to the billboard of the hottest games
in town you could only get the tickets
we slept in the bushes of the mansions on the hills
it would be a shame for your grandma to see
me there as time went by and i dropped
out of that game you didn’t look
for me but found another broker
cigana
for much of my youth i went from one corner of Hollywood to another the moon a constant companion except when she had to escort the beautiful ones in being a juvenile vagabond laid a certain freedom but too much of it lead to complicated cages at 17 with about two packs of everything bad on a daily i flourished in education book and otherwise yet i couldn’t remember much of my childhood it might have been a good thing nevertheless i loved my freedom to drink or stare at antiquities at the museum for hours and hours or maybe sleep in the library and eat onion rings at Astro’s the beach was nice at 1 p.m. on Tuesdays i really loved the hand of the wind on my shoulder and the seagulls chasing me as i threw crumbs of French baguette at them oh how i smiled and laughed
words less spoken 