it’s the little poisons she thought as he spoke about trials foisted upon him as a child by the needs of selfishness and delirious desires of unbridled women his skin pocked with stab wounds stitched up in classic county hospital overworked student staff he groaned in self pity he’d forgotten why he was there in the first place we spoke for 23 minutes more then parted as patient and professional
it’s metal cold in the room stings the surface of the skin a little cheeks flushed 104 degrees cotton fever nothing new thoughts of owls race through the mind far away New Mexico hills in a trip that failed to yield once what was expected seconds hop scotch off the arms of the clock apparitions in white cheap cotton come to check numbers and pulses disgust visible on the face like dust on grandma’s table the owls again the color of wild grain bare footed running with the breeze and the bugs birds of all congregations there to sing solitary ears robbed it’s cold please don’t leave but please don’t touch the New Mexican hills spread out Triple A magazine cover left in the lobby by the father who lost his son the owl took him the Yaqui say fever breaks gauzy cloak frosted from the sin and ignorance lips shiver pale so pale and deformed thirsty for baptismal waters wild wild girl the apparitions come on time oh no it’s her again when will she die my taxes deserve to pay better societal debts please don’t touch the owl she’s my mother looking at me hoot hoot hoot synapse without soul blood without spirit apparition grab the leg and tug cruelly get up it groans tax liability get’s up roughly like a broken transmission New Mexican hills will not be reached like that good bye owl
at moon’s end
i find myself
trying to stitch
back together
what i so vehemently
spent so many years
tearing apart
the light is subtle
too feeble for me to thread
needles of apology
remorse or redemption
yet i continue on
finger tips pale
pricked by bitter reminder
of gaping tears
i tore into the fabric
of decency and self-dignity
with offerings of woolen prayers
i attempt to mend and patch
a heart sullen with snags and rips
to no avail
on most any day
then every so often
the rays of light
knit me a magnifying glass
and in subtle ways
i toil at weaving
a better human fabric
for myself
of which i make offerings
of tzitzit embroidered with the shame
of tails in between my walking legs
with seams of hope
that mercy will be granted
at the ending of my new day
Indeed, it is very rare when I can feel the stillness of my spirit. It is a wild one. It thrives on diving off the highest cliffs of life and relishes the feeling of narrowly avoiding the jagged rocks of human pain below. I feel her today. She sits next to me silently caressing the gold of the elusive clear horizon.
Thoughts of worry flood me every so often. Will the stillness leave us causing my spirit to tear my natural peace a sunder? It has been much too long before I had the courage to go on my own. To walk away from the safety of the rock solid artificial happiness was terrifying. I did not want to wander in the depth of dark waters for so many years more.
the day dream
the news comes and goes
laughing children noises
frame the window to a past
that has no terrible value
perhaps I should leave it to the dawn
The time for the appointment is here. I have made a commitment to go outside today. How I wish I was in Big Sur with him. He loved me how I was, but I didn’t love myself. Do I love myself now, I wonder? I laugh a little. The water hushes me and I smile. His shoulders wide and strong, my disease and madness a little stronger. It’s not that he abandoned me, it’s just that he believed in freedom. I believed that my sickness was an entitlement worth dying for.
indeed it is very rare when i can feel the stillness of my spirit it is a wild one it thrives on diving off the highest cliffs of life and relishes the feeling of narrowly avoiding the jagged rocks of human pain below i feel her today she sits next to me silently caressing the gold of the elusive clear horizon
thoughts of worry flood me every so often will the stillness leave us causing my spirit to tear my natural peace a sunder it has been much too long before i had the courage to go on my own to walk away from the safety of the rock solid artificial happiness was terrifying i did not want to wander in the depth of dark waters for so many years more
the day dream
the news comes and goes
laughing children noises
frame the window to a past
that has no terrible value
perhaps i should leave it to the dawn
the time for the appointment is here i have made a commitment to go outside today how i wish i was in Big Sur with him he loved me how i was but i didn’t love myself do i love myself now wonder i laugh a little the water hushes me and i smile his shoulders wide and strong my disease and madness a little stronger it’s not that he abandoned me it’s just that he believed in freedom i believed that my sickness was an entitlement worth dying for
the gray shadows tiptoe and sob just outside my mind
i wear my sin like a diamond
please forgive me Son of Man
my soul is running away from me
my spirit has leapt off and is far far away
i wear my sin like a diamond
forgive me
the maggot in the wound brings clarity
at times
frail in discontentment
the argument is lost
i wore my sin like a diamond
as You hung by Your bones
against the cross
the die is in my pocket
my life the corner
where it rolled
i wear my sin like a diamond
my spear in my side
too close to close
forgive me Father
in words that are so true
i roll and roll
the eyes of snakes
i wear my sin like a diamond
words less spoken 