bone pain
and angst
the clouds
roll by
gray i
can see
them in
the night
sky i’ve
become numb
mute deaf
blind to
your poisonous
dark soul
as i
want to
rip myself
in half
rather than
lash out
and become
like you
Self Acceptance
evermore
on the last day of Hanukkah 2001 i was hung over from too many filterless Camels and clove cigarettes the night before i couldn’t sleep and i chain smoked i made my way to the cold bland bathroom to wash up the radio was on and i danced as i walked i moved like any skinny slinky Brit androgynous heart throb it boy from the 70’s i thought and felt kinda embarrassed after my ritual i went downstairs to chew the fat with Jonathon O’Mara from the coffee shop in the Tenderloin he wasn’t home so i went for a walk the sun was hot for a San Fran morning back then i was able to ride the bus for a quarter the drivers would mistake me for a high schooler it was easy i always wore boys clothes and black chucks my gay boyfriends always gushed over me as they tried to capture my femininity i loved having gay boyfriends we’d all have fun dance etc and i didn’t have to put out and if they needed an emergency fiancé to introduce to their waspy east coast family members they’d send out the beard signal and i was there we were all excellent fucking actors but behind the good times and the jokes we all lived our lives as prisoners in very painful cells some of the folks in our circle were even handed death sentences through illness or addiction as far as i went i had to fess up to my boys that men’s clothing might keep the rapists away and that when someone had the balls to tell me i was beautiful it would hurt very badly along with a litany of other issues most of my boys would gasp and then weep because they too had been deeply hurt continually for long periods of their life but we were a rowdy bunch we had survived our way and through those unfortunate passages we realized we were all connected and that race gender orientation and any other label didn’t really define us we were very strong and wise human beings with the capacity to love hard and relentlessly as for Jonathon and i woe upon anyone who’d mess with his sweet pea for a portion of my life i was blessed enough to know such a human capacity existed and i can move forward with this evermore
paging Dr. Burroughs, Dr. Burroughs please…
WS i don’t feel that well tonight
the stars are covered in dust and grime
and the corner store doesn’t have the Windex i like
i’ve listen to Thelonius on Bluetooth
and Ravel’s Bolero till the landlady came
to shut me up it wasn’t even that loud
i struggle Billy Bull Baby i see you
in dreams of course with your suits and balding
beautiful head but your brain really turned me on
i’ve been going back and forth for three days whether i should
go to Daikokuya’s for a ramen bowl but i just don’t have the gumption
i think i’m depressed again the tears run like Jesse Owens and i have no interest in making
them stop
W im in head first in the Interzone of my own doing
for hours i sit on the kitchen counter
looking out for the little brown birds who eat the last
pomegranates of the winter and wonder where the
first half part of my life went but i worry more
that i have no specific certainty where my last half is
going
can you read me a bed time story my favorite is “Green Eggs
and Ham”
work by mbrazfield 2001
the meaning of us
slow frail time nears us
old i as you are parting
new i takes over
peregrine
desert you look very pretty in your tender green veil
it’s been a while since i was here visiting you
inner struggle and rebirth brought me to your boulder bosom
i see my brothers the Joshua Trees have gotten taller
therefore waving more lost children toward your safety dear friend
oh and the hares and wood peckers they still look
me over with caution and pity they sense my spirit
is still shackled in some ways but they are right
i’m just a human mother Joshua but how are you
i’ve brought you great news there will be rain later
this evening that rock you say yes that will be
good shelter the tiny lizard queen is a great hostess
the breath of your slate tinged skies is beginning to
smell like wet earth just like my grandmother’s hair when
as a babe i’d grab fistfuls and put it in
my mouth yet i don’t know how i can remember
her we were both too young when she had to
go up to the silver stars above my head oh
mother Joshua did you tell Oma to come and visit
there you see she’s the one next to Venus smiling
at me hey little ants get off my cake here
i’ll place it by your hill take it to your
queen my regards to her and now my eyes focus
to see the splendor of the ocotillo fire red blossoms
held up to the peacock sky and i breathe deeply
dear Hester
dear Hester i have to go keeping you has cost me a fortune worked my body down to bones selling my soul for you for one faint kiss and giving the devil iou’s was no good
i finally admit that your fingers and aura gently crept into my blood brook driving me to unfathomable pleasure only known by kings but when i couldn’t feed you more and more and more your anger at me was like a riptide
dear Hester you thrusted and thrashed my body against the anguish i caused others because i was a slave to you when you read this letter i will be rolling in it the unholy pain of heart break for having to let you go
fever itch spasm vomit crying out for air
as i sink into the black hole of my own doing because i thought you loved me
Hester i have to Hester don’t you understand don’t cry Hester you have offered me comfort and euphoric happiness when the world turned its back on me you never lied to me and you even let the nay sayers preach at me and how you were a no good harlot beast
but in exchange for your mirage like generosity i turned over my freedom to you i have a sickness Hester i have to keep running there’s a demon stronger than us Hester i have to leave
the time has come for emancipation from us three
my dear Hester
das lebewohl
Eunice
Eunice
sits
by the
twin doors on
her porch waiting for the
mail to arrive and have a conversation with
Yan the carrier who always asks about her past and what she’s doing
it’s time for the Moon Festival and Eunice enjoys hearing Yan’s stories too and when his wife sends her Moon Cakes
her heart skips a beat with joy today she wore a peach silken robe her hair is wild and white legs tucked neatly under thighs and her lap nestles two brown gray Siamese kittens
eyes deep black filled with wisdom earned through pain war and humiliation but if you look closer her irises are flecked with bits of gold these are the triumphs of her life i want to be like Eunice graceful with the power of her forgiveness she is eternally untethered from the mortal coil of man
strong in her conviction to love without having to be loved free to walk through the doors of challenge steadfast in her beauty shining from within soul armor for the soldier Queen her lips sea shell pink have spoken with the angels her thin vein covered hands have opened promise closed opportunities for mass destruction Eunice swift of foot feeds the weeds and prized flower bushes the same life is life she says and through this ancient simple third eye view the weeds have nourished the orchards of love
Eunice with her basket feeds the multitudes with far less fish than Jesus can provide today but in her patience and plentitude of faith the cup of satiety somehow runs over in the inky crescendo of the twilight Eunice sits in her back porch by the door where she cried hiding sorrow when the universe collapsed as seen on the 11 o’clock news many Aprils ago clutching a holy book to ensure it’s protection in case that night’s devil came to her own door i know i’ll never be like Eunice with spirituals circulating in her veins while her licorice skin warms the spirits of the children next door who dress like ninjas for the Fall and every year as she pretends to be the frail victim for them to save her reward is the blooming of a brighter future in their innocent laughter
triumph
although you called me stupid i didn’t hesitate at the liquor cabinet tonight
soy la pesadilla
nos guste o no
así soy
así naci
así me he desarrollado
salvaje en la ciudad
una mona sin fronteras
peleando con cualquiera
pero con mucho corazón
te invito a que me juzgues
sin pena
que me odies
y mi insultes
no me cambiara
y cuando los que más amaba
me entrenaron como un huracán
lo que ustedes me puedan lanzar es inútil
mis ojos son ciegos
no miro color nación tipo de sangre
no miro religión nivel de educación
ni con quien te acuestas
no miro si eres cruel ignorante narcisista
y claro para que mentir todos juzgamos
pero la diferencia entre yo y tu es que
yo proceso con mi corazón te dejo o te tomo
si tienes sed te ofrezco agua
si estas desalojado aquí está mi tierra
si tienes hambre te doy todo mi pan
si tienes frio te doy mi ropa
si estas sufriendo yo sufro contigo
si me golpeas me muero de risa
si me humillas te doy mi sonrisa
si me traicionas te extiendo mi alma
pero hermano con excepción
si quieres lastimar a un niño o al anciano
al que no puede defenderse o regresar la punada
con mi ira te vas a encontrar
no tengo opinión sobre política
las leyes existen
el orden existe
libertad condicional
pero nunca me pudiste
controlar y menos amargar
así soy yo
te dedico con amor y franqueza
todo lo que soy
a tus pies nunca me esperes
pero mi mano aquí esta
yo sé lo que soy
soy menos que nada
y el día en que necesites
aquí estaré lista para amar o luchar
eu sou o pesadelo
goste ou não
sou assim
então eu nasci
foi assim que eu desenvolvi
selvagem na cidade
um macaco sem fronteiras
lutando com qualquer um
mas com muito coração
eu convido você a me julgar
sim pena
que você me odeia
e meus insultos
eu não vou mudar
e quando ele amou o mais
eles me treinaram como um furacão
o que você pode jogar em mim é inútil
meus olhos estão cegos
eu não olho tipo nação cor de sangue
eu não olho religião nível de educação
nem com quem você dorme
eu não olho se você é um narcisista cruel ignorante
e, claro, para nós mentirmos todos nós julgamos
mas a diferença entre eu e você é que
eu procuro com meu coração eu te deixo ou te levo
se você está com sede eu te ofereço água
se você é despejado aqui é minha terra
se você está com fome eu te dou todo o meu pão
se você está com frio eu te dou minhas roupas
se você está sofrendo eu sofro com você
se você me bater eu vou morrer de rir
se você me humilhar eu te dou meu sorriso
se você me trair eu estendo minha alma
mas irmão com exceção
se você quer machucar uma criança ou os idosos
quem não pode se defender ou devolver a punada
com a minha raiva você vai encontrar
eu não tenho opinião sobre política
as leis existem
a ordem existe
liberdade condicional
mas você nunca conseguiu
controle e menos amargo
eu sou assim
eu te dedico com amor e franqueza
tudo que eu sou
nunca espere por mim a seus pés
mas minha mão aqui é
eu sei o que sou
eu sou menos que nada
e o dia que você precisa
aqui estarei
pronto para amar ou lutar
i am the nightmare
like it or not
so i was born
here i am
this is how i developed
wild in the city
a monkey without borders
fighting with anyone
but with a lot of heart
i invite you to judge me
without shame
i know that you hate me
and insults
will not change me
and when those who i loved the most
trained me like a hurricane
so what you throw at me is useless
my eyes are blind
i do not see color nation or type of blood
i do not see religion or level of education
nor with whom you sleep
i do not see if you’re cruel ignorant or narcissist
and of course we all judge
but the difference between me and you is that
i process with my heart i leave you or i take you
if you are thirsty i offer you water
if you are evicted here is my land
if you are hungry i give you my bread
if you are cold i give you my clothes
if you are suffering i suffer with you
if you hit me i’ll die of laughter
if you humiliate me i’ll give you my smile
if you betray me i’ll extend my soul to you
but brother the exception
if you want to hurt a child or the aged
who can’t defend themselves or return the punch
to my anger you’ll respond
i have no opinion on politics
the laws exist
the order exists
conditional freedom
but you never could
control me or make me bitter
that’s how i am
i dedicate to you with love and honesty
everything i am
never wait for me
to fall at your feet
but here is my hand
i know what i am
i am less than nothing
and the day you need
i’ll be here
ready to love or fight
indications and usage
its not the lining of the heart or the medulla that is swollen it is pain of the spirit anger at the lot resentment at the lack of fairness and extreme abhorrence of the violence in my orbit of which you know that i know i cant fly its just wishful thinking a survival mechanism from a childhood taken so there is absolutely no need to pathologize my just being human i understand youre just the man with the accreditation and i can get that my other man under the bridges of my nation is working on the fly both bringing me the holy candy to take the edge away of the inevitable lesson of having to turn the other cheek but due to heavy handed legal messes summoned by the maternal book of ancient testament coming in direct conflict with the law of teeth for teeth coupled with Eve and Adam’s eye disease i bear the mark of all mankind and gift of favorite sons free will is not for you to harvest in the laboratories of supply at no discount price for first time users
words less spoken 