DTLA

atmospheric tiramisu

/ mbrazfieldm / 3 Comments

that Friday had been particularly rough my science teacher Mrs. Thorndyke must’ve been on the rag or something i’m not even sure why i went to school that day i guess i just needed the routine life was unraveling all over me my folks money politics and a robust octopus demon had it’s addiction tentacles around by mind i felt heavy lost i wanted to make it all go away if i got a gold fish took out the trash make dad a clay ashtray maybe if i behaved but my check engine light had been flashing for almost two years now

i walked around downtown til i hit Main street i was too tired to go to the nickel besides i knew Taino wasn’t home i didn’t trust sitting in the lobby of the King Edward by myself i had a feeling i went up to the roof of the Cecil i was a runt back then no one knew i was alive the sky was baby blue like a Joe Jackson song and right where the mountain crests with the horizon an atmospheric tiramisu of different colored smogs

looking down at the sidewalk on Main i would count the people coming in and out of the lobby i remember thinking these must be really happy folks well mannered with nice houses and lawns and supper my mind began to wander my body relaxed i wasn’t comparing or analyzing anymore i was just of the moment alone face to face with my 17 years of invisibility of course i thought about jumping but that streak of rebel pomposity fed by my love of the Sex Pistols thought jumping off the roof would be utterly trite

thank goodness for my photographic memory finger tips without having to shift my eyes from the helicopters pigeons and flag poles i reached into my book bag and fished out the Ritalin pills that soothed me when i felt like curling up and sucking my thumb in about half hour or half day the lines blurred i was thinking about the news and the Contras Viet Nam vets and crack cocaine i thought about how many homeless people there were and the crips and the bloods and everyone in between

nowadays i often think of that Friday and i wonder what would have become of me if i had been a popular girl a girly girl a girl whose parents were proper closet alcoholic church goers conscious voters PTA joiners and i wore dresses and never took anything stronger than grape juice but we were not like that no one was ever like that in truth we were all just ragers in our own way

my daydreams about the world its wars and LA were just smoke and mirrors to hide from what would inevitably be an incredible ride into familiar unknowns of wanting to die and fly and vomit and binge and fuck and love and cry and laugh and feel whole

spare cock Amos

/ mbrazfieldm / 6 Comments

on my birthday the ritual is to go spend it in downtown first a nice long walk by myself thin flip flops so that i can feel the pavement and the hot pulse emitting from the man holes i like the forest of gray monochromatic shadows strewn across alley way walls and on the sidewalks mottled by the grime and chewing gum ground into the compacted sandy mineral flesh of the streets

this year i felt bold so i walked into the Cecil the rays of stained glass fluttered upon me like crazed butterflies it was as though i could almost feel the velvet of their wings swatting me gently on my face my feet moved me down the lobby and i sat in an upholstered camel tone lounge chair even with the bustle and shallow energy of the young tourists hip kids the Cecil’s heart was heavy like a vault

flooded by memories the ghosts of my adolescence entered the stage one by one and sat in the lobby with me i became Hamlet when he saw the spirit of his father the spell was temporarily broken by an old woman asking for spare change fumbling with my pink coin purse i empty a few dimes and made an offering as i repositioned my face back up toward her she vanished only the scent of gardenias to remember her by

atop of the service desk was an incredibly tall birds of paradise bouquet in an urn kind of vase the vignette of the greens reds yellows and oranges eased my mind into taking note of someone i had all but forgotten Amos

Amos was from Cite Soleil Haiti tall slender muscular ebony angular loud graceful kind honest fearless vicious fighter when provoked transgender and broken in some parts of her spirit fragile little girl Amazon goddess bitch i had fallen in love with her strength without knowing that she was my sister in pain i was a kid she was ageless and smooth

with us there were never any serendipitous conversations about plans for the future family traditions favorite color boys t.v. or candy during my visits to her she shared that her street name was Tiffany de Mournay i shook my head and blurted she had a pretty name but at 12 i had no awareness of what all that meant to me Tiffany Amos was Amos Tiffany and i really dug them both

at other times men would call her out in the hallway laughing and banging on the door they’d yell hey spare cock Amos come out man we got some business for you i didn’t ask her what that meant although later in life i think i understood it she would say hold on sweet and go answer her door shout back in French and slam her door as she roared in laughter they all knew each other and liked to fuck around with her when Tiffany Amos got the blues they were dark violet

the seeds

/ mbrazfieldm / 18 Comments

being a kid with 24/7 latch key clearance life was a wonderment full of things that logically i didn’t get but knew were painful for the human spirits amongst me

i frequented the Cecil more than homeroom at D Starr MS it was like a carnival backstage up close contact with the carnies included it was cool

the sixth floor had Abbey the hooker she was a Mexican-American lady with flan tone skin and perpetual bruises on her arms her pimp was some meth enthusiast with tax problems and a wife who was the daughter of an LAPD cop Abbey shared her Jack in the Box with me sometimes and we’d talk about Belmont HS years in the 60’s the student marches and such i just looked at her while flipping her records with my bony hands self-branded with the Anarchy sign i liked Abbey she never took drugs or drank not that i knew about she was just angry and beaten

in the lobby Mr. Petrucchio sat and read Time Magazine the same one for months on end the one on the Contra Aid scandal he was Sicilian from Corleone he turned me on to The God Father one and two he also shared that the movies were too glamorous i never asked what his first name was he was always Mr. Petrucchio to me it sounded hella cool i liked it when he taught me the dirty words in Siculu like fetuso or puttana or minchia but you kinda have to draw it out he said

i met Amos in the lobby one summer day i was reading the LA Weekly about the night stalker having been caught Amos had an intriguing accent and beautiful ebony slick skin eyes like black olives bright red lipstick and was wearing mermaid cut dress in peacock with crystals on the yellow satin sash i liked his wooden platform shoes he carried them guess he got tired

i must’ve been starring Amos looked and asked who i was i froze he laughed like the Un-Cola nut guy ay Mr. P is this your grand baby Mr. Petrucchio responded by shaking his head no and blowing out pewter smoke from his pipe what’s your name honey never mind what you doing here where yo momma at that’s a cool dress can i touch it Amos’s laugh echoed through the musty lobby shifting the dust sure it’s crushed velvet are you a drag Amos’s laughter roared making the glass at the front entrance rattle i smiled like an idiot

the last bus to east Hollywood pulled up and i left black safety pinned book bag and markered skateboard with a black flag logo returning after a few weeks Abbey was sick i took her a Jumbo Jack and chocolate shake she told me she lost a baby i said oh as i gulped tears back we sat silent in the lobby as she didn’t want to sit in her room anymore we didn’t cry

red eagles on Matthias’ arms

/ mbrazfieldm / 12 Comments

she stands in the night

quiet in the day swaddling my thoughts

through her windows that have seen moons

peeked at by La Baker and the dust bowl troops

the starlight beaming on my smoke rings

and the ancient flower wall cover

comes alive again crawling with suspicions

Perry Como and at times Lead Belly

fill my ears until they bloom

so coursing through my veins

the bewitching compounds of soul kill

silver on the mirror fades away

and in tandem we float away together

the me on the chair mustang hair gray

the me in the glass chipping off her hours

before my lids close

the pupils pin catch a brown fluffy moth

clutching with sticky little feet

to rusty rain gutters that hang

to her bricked flanks by grace and bliss

i hear the moth breathing in out in out

to the rhythm of surreal electric sweaty nights

but JESUS SAVES only twice

as Papa and i drink absinthe and champagne

moment of clarity

/ mbrazfieldm / Leave a comment

july evening warm humidly noisy

in the city i sit between Spring and Broadway streets

at a mall downtown where i’d like to fantasize Bradbury

could be found drinking coffee

looking to my left there are the kids joshing and cussing

rolling on skateboards zephyrs with iphones

to my right hipsters with credit cards today green means something else

micro chips smart chips designer chips vegan chips

i smile Mona L style and sip my Vietnamese coffee straight up

pigeons coo me out seductively with the waffle sound

of their aged wings dusty with the history of my time

here in this old new modern city

a tiny crack on the wall

by the fire department’s emergency pipe

holds my attention but i knit my brows

dainty lilac flowers

offered up to the most attentive student

the teacher dark green weed shows the little creatures

exquisite tiny intricate jewels luring in the bees

another universe within my urban home

i don’t like hot weather

sweat panting and stickiness

should only be for sex

but if the retiring sun hadn’t drawn me out

for the night i would have missed the buzzing of life

and random thoughts of HST soul madness and did JD really

shoot his ashes out of a canon

crazy kids at times trapped by the freedom of the mind

i’m working on an espresso now looking around

twirling my ankle like a cat’s tail

am i happy today i must be

today i’m not running

as much

at the Cecil

/ mbrazfieldm / Leave a comment

any road north at this time of the year is cold and wet

       my neighbor said   coughing out gray-white swirled                                 

                                  menthol smoke

            your journey need not be postponed

if you can live here for more than 23 minutes

                    you’re used to the inclement weather

        i squinted up at Jeannie her pin curls once golden

              lighting up the strip joints along

the weary loosed boulevard  were now dull piss

                 yellow and very very sparse

she couldn’t remember that she walked into my room

                 believing she was home

    as Jeannie orchestrated a plan to cross her shriveled

        go-go booted legs    still i sat silent on the floor

    crushing pills to help me think    i was never one to

          bother reading directions 

by the morning when the birds bathe in the puddles of acid rain

             and snails ever so slowly smear their way

to the dying ficus tree       and in a moment of pre-contemplative clarity     i   look up again at my lady

       her crushed velvet baby blue robe   casketed what time separated from the wheat of life

          then wild cat eyes darted    past her   nodded head to look out of     the  screenless  cracked window

             with Tom  rasping something through the radio about      

                          a downtown train

                     and a torn paperback about Lenny Bruce’s life   on the milk crate  shelf

       i couldn’t help to wonder   if we were also waiting for            

                      Beckett’s

                                  immutable  Godot

7th eden

/ mbrazfieldm / 6 Comments

opening my eyes for the first time

the old 3rd street bridge is unrecognizable

it’s been a long 300 years since

i walked through here in my youth

when we had reached the peak of

refining weapons of mass destruction mostly us

my blue spirit spans from one end

to the other end of the tunnel

i appreciate nature’s knitted emerald life blanket

layered over you so tenderly melodious brook

the perfect Elysium reward for those soldiers

who laid down their generation defending you

sooty vestiges of city hall no longer

haunt the fledgling Eden i rejoice inside

as the trees speak a new creation

stones banks and plants sit in convocation

while they wait for the new children

Photo courtesy of Sue Vincent

Doña Margarita

/ mbrazfieldm / Leave a comment

now as i look in the mirror i see the scar on my neck where his ring ripped my skin off and wrinkles from all of the times i smiled before and after the event during that moment i fought back with everything i had i too was Jacob Israel in my bathroom looking down as my fingers blindly feel for eyeliner i think of Doña Margarita standing four feet tall outside of Our Lady Queen of Angels Church where i had gone that night looking for watermelon agua fresca i was thirsty for normal human contact she cajoled me about buying one of her amulets a little brown felt square with a saint on it or was it Michael i don’t recall anymore i smiled and shook my head no and as i walked away my mind was already boarding cloud nine but she followed me and said llevatelo es gratis i took her offering as her eyes turned stony with warning a few blocks away deranged in the annals of fifth street i lost it somewhere so into the bar i stepped had a few laughs saw a few flies guzzled a few vodkas and prepared to go up to the third floor to visit Taino another LA merchant turning the corner to go into the morgue like hotel lobby two arms wrapped around my 80 pound frame and into Werdin Alley we rolled but i swung with weak little arms i reached and i scraped faces arms noses tracers in denial that this was reality i focused on our collective flailing tattoos then ink covered my mind i woke up in County over hearing LAFD say she’s been a victim of a violent crime yet i could still feel the brown felt of Doña Margarita’s amulet in my hand it was anchoring

soy la pesadilla

/ mbrazfieldm / 2 Comments

nos guste o no

así soy

así naci

así me he desarrollado

salvaje en la ciudad

una mona sin fronteras

peleando con cualquiera

pero con mucho corazón

te invito a que me juzgues

sin pena

que me odies

y mi insultes

no me cambiara

y cuando los que más amaba

me entrenaron como un huracán

lo que ustedes me puedan lanzar es inútil

mis ojos son ciegos

no miro color nación tipo de sangre

no miro religión nivel de educación

ni con quien te acuestas

no miro si eres cruel ignorante narcisista

y claro para que mentir todos juzgamos

pero la diferencia entre yo y tu es que

yo proceso con mi corazón te dejo o te tomo

si tienes sed te ofrezco agua

si estas desalojado aquí está mi tierra

si tienes hambre te doy todo mi pan

si tienes frio te doy mi ropa

si estas sufriendo yo sufro contigo

si me golpeas me muero de risa

si me humillas te doy mi sonrisa

si me traicionas te extiendo mi alma

pero hermano con excepción

si quieres lastimar a un niño o al anciano

al que no puede defenderse o regresar la punada

con mi ira te vas a encontrar

no tengo opinión sobre política

las leyes existen

el orden existe

libertad condicional

pero nunca me pudiste

controlar y menos amargar

así soy yo

te dedico con amor y franqueza

todo lo que soy

a tus pies nunca me esperes

pero mi mano aquí esta

yo sé lo que soy

soy menos que nada

y el día en que necesites

aquí estaré lista para amar o luchar 






eu sou o pesadelo





goste ou não





sou assim





então eu nasci





foi assim que eu desenvolvi





selvagem na cidade





um macaco sem fronteiras





lutando com qualquer um





mas com muito coração





eu convido você a me julgar





sim pena





que você me odeia





e meus insultos





eu não vou mudar





e quando ele amou o mais





eles me treinaram como um furacão





o que você pode jogar em mim é inútil





meus olhos estão cegos





eu não olho tipo nação cor de sangue





eu não olho religião nível de educação





nem com quem você dorme





eu não olho se você é um narcisista cruel ignorante





e, claro, para nós mentirmos todos nós julgamos





mas a diferença entre eu e você é que





eu procuro com meu coração eu te deixo ou te levo





se você está com sede eu te ofereço água





se você é despejado aqui é minha terra





se você está com fome eu te dou todo o meu pão





se você está com frio eu te dou minhas roupas





se você está sofrendo eu sofro com você





se você me bater eu vou morrer de rir





se você me humilhar eu te dou meu sorriso





se você me trair eu estendo minha alma





mas irmão com exceção





se você quer machucar uma criança ou os idosos





quem não pode se defender ou devolver a punada





com a minha raiva você vai encontrar





eu não tenho opinião sobre política





as leis existem





a ordem existe





liberdade condicional





mas você nunca conseguiu





controle e menos amargo





eu sou assim





eu te dedico com amor e franqueza





tudo que eu sou





nunca espere por mim a seus pés





mas minha mão aqui é





eu sei o que sou





eu sou menos que nada





e o dia que você precisa





aqui estarei





pronto para amar ou lutar





i am the nightmare





like it or not





so i was born





here i am





this is how i developed





wild in the city





a monkey without borders





fighting with anyone





but with a lot of heart





i invite you to judge me





without shame





i know that you hate me





and insults





will not change me





and when those who i loved the most





trained me like a hurricane





so what you throw at me is useless





my eyes are blind





i do not see color nation or type of blood





i do not see religion or level of education





nor with whom you sleep





i do not see if you’re cruel ignorant or narcissist





and of course we all judge





but the difference between me and you is that





i process with my heart i leave you or i take you





if you are thirsty i offer you water





if you are evicted here is my land





if you are hungry i give you my bread





if you are cold i give you my clothes





if you are suffering i suffer with you





if you hit me i’ll die of laughter





if you humiliate me i’ll give you my smile





if you betray me i’ll extend my soul to you





but brother the exception





if you want to hurt a child or the aged





who can’t defend themselves or return the punch





to my anger you’ll respond 





i have no opinion on politics





the laws exist





the order exists





conditional freedom





but you never could





control me or make me bitter





that’s how i am





i dedicate to you with love and honesty





everything i am





never wait for me 





to fall at your feet





but here is my hand





i know what i am





i am less than nothing





and the day you need





i’ll be here





ready to love or fight