now as i look in the mirror i see the scar on my neck where his ring ripped my skin off and wrinkles from all of the times i smiled before and after the event during that moment i fought back with everything i had i too was Jacob Israel in my bathroom looking down as my fingers blindly feel for eyeliner i think of Doña Margarita standing four feet tall outside of Our Lady Queen of Angels Church where i had gone that night looking for watermelon agua fresca i was thirsty for normal human contact she cajoled me about buying one of her amulets a little brown felt square with a saint on it or was it Michael i don’t recall anymore i smiled and shook my head no and as i walked away my mind was already boarding cloud nine but she followed me and said llevatelo es gratis i took her offering as her eyes turned stony with warning a few blocks away deranged in the annals of fifth street i lost it somewhere so into the bar i stepped had a few laughs saw a few flies guzzled a few vodkas and prepared to go up to the third floor to visit Taino another LA merchant turning the corner to go into the morgue like hotel lobby two arms wrapped around my 80 pound frame and into Werdin Alley we rolled but i swung with weak little arms i reached and i scraped faces arms noses tracers in denial that this was reality i focused on our collective flailing tattoos then ink covered my mind i woke up in County over hearing LAFD say she’s been a victim of a violent crime yet i could still feel the brown felt of Doña Margarita’s amulet in my hand it was anchoring
DTLA
soy la pesadilla
nos guste o no
así soy
así naci
así me he desarrollado
salvaje en la ciudad
una mona sin fronteras
peleando con cualquiera
pero con mucho corazón
te invito a que me juzgues
sin pena
que me odies
y mi insultes
no me cambiara
y cuando los que más amaba
me entrenaron como un huracán
lo que ustedes me puedan lanzar es inútil
mis ojos son ciegos
no miro color nación tipo de sangre
no miro religión nivel de educación
ni con quien te acuestas
no miro si eres cruel ignorante narcisista
y claro para que mentir todos juzgamos
pero la diferencia entre yo y tu es que
yo proceso con mi corazón te dejo o te tomo
si tienes sed te ofrezco agua
si estas desalojado aquí está mi tierra
si tienes hambre te doy todo mi pan
si tienes frio te doy mi ropa
si estas sufriendo yo sufro contigo
si me golpeas me muero de risa
si me humillas te doy mi sonrisa
si me traicionas te extiendo mi alma
pero hermano con excepción
si quieres lastimar a un niño o al anciano
al que no puede defenderse o regresar la punada
con mi ira te vas a encontrar
no tengo opinión sobre política
las leyes existen
el orden existe
libertad condicional
pero nunca me pudiste
controlar y menos amargar
así soy yo
te dedico con amor y franqueza
todo lo que soy
a tus pies nunca me esperes
pero mi mano aquí esta
yo sé lo que soy
soy menos que nada
y el día en que necesites
aquí estaré lista para amar o luchar
eu sou o pesadelo
goste ou não
sou assim
então eu nasci
foi assim que eu desenvolvi
selvagem na cidade
um macaco sem fronteiras
lutando com qualquer um
mas com muito coração
eu convido você a me julgar
sim pena
que você me odeia
e meus insultos
eu não vou mudar
e quando ele amou o mais
eles me treinaram como um furacão
o que você pode jogar em mim é inútil
meus olhos estão cegos
eu não olho tipo nação cor de sangue
eu não olho religião nível de educação
nem com quem você dorme
eu não olho se você é um narcisista cruel ignorante
e, claro, para nós mentirmos todos nós julgamos
mas a diferença entre eu e você é que
eu procuro com meu coração eu te deixo ou te levo
se você está com sede eu te ofereço água
se você é despejado aqui é minha terra
se você está com fome eu te dou todo o meu pão
se você está com frio eu te dou minhas roupas
se você está sofrendo eu sofro com você
se você me bater eu vou morrer de rir
se você me humilhar eu te dou meu sorriso
se você me trair eu estendo minha alma
mas irmão com exceção
se você quer machucar uma criança ou os idosos
quem não pode se defender ou devolver a punada
com a minha raiva você vai encontrar
eu não tenho opinião sobre política
as leis existem
a ordem existe
liberdade condicional
mas você nunca conseguiu
controle e menos amargo
eu sou assim
eu te dedico com amor e franqueza
tudo que eu sou
nunca espere por mim a seus pés
mas minha mão aqui é
eu sei o que sou
eu sou menos que nada
e o dia que você precisa
aqui estarei
pronto para amar ou lutar
i am the nightmare
like it or not
so i was born
here i am
this is how i developed
wild in the city
a monkey without borders
fighting with anyone
but with a lot of heart
i invite you to judge me
without shame
i know that you hate me
and insults
will not change me
and when those who i loved the most
trained me like a hurricane
so what you throw at me is useless
my eyes are blind
i do not see color nation or type of blood
i do not see religion or level of education
nor with whom you sleep
i do not see if you’re cruel ignorant or narcissist
and of course we all judge
but the difference between me and you is that
i process with my heart i leave you or i take you
if you are thirsty i offer you water
if you are evicted here is my land
if you are hungry i give you my bread
if you are cold i give you my clothes
if you are suffering i suffer with you
if you hit me i’ll die of laughter
if you humiliate me i’ll give you my smile
if you betray me i’ll extend my soul to you
but brother the exception
if you want to hurt a child or the aged
who can’t defend themselves or return the punch
to my anger you’ll respond
i have no opinion on politics
the laws exist
the order exists
conditional freedom
but you never could
control me or make me bitter
that’s how i am
i dedicate to you with love and honesty
everything i am
never wait for me
to fall at your feet
but here is my hand
i know what i am
i am less than nothing
and the day you need
i’ll be here
ready to love or fight
pink paws
The walls spun around as the grains of steamed rice rolled off the table top like drops of mercury. Asian ladies watched in slow motion as thick moisture atop my brow trickled into a stream. My mouth parched and cottony could no longer pass air through my teeth to form words. I used my eyes to find contact, to cry for help. Nothing. Just stares. The breezes coming through to cool down the sweaty wanderers in the buzzing basement had now spun into typhoon winds crashing into my body.
Guatemalan gawkers and Salvy breast touchers hovered over my limp body laid out in crucifix formation on the concrete floor.
“Nina, nina, are you okay?” said one Oaxacan with a blinking Bluetooth on his left ear.
From where my head laid, I could see the plastic bags filled with pea green plantains, shrimp and Jose Cuervo. One woman with thick legs and a large camel toe bent over me, almost in a bowing formation. I thought I was saved.
“Rafa, Rafa, coll de fire meinz, andale!!” She belted out as she turned her great ass toward my face and the light went out.
No one read minds. Had someone known that my chest was imploding and my soul hovered above me playing poker with John Fante, they would have called for help much sooner.
a genesis with a Dada twist
in the beginning when She did pick oxygen carbon hydrogen and nitrogen and He did stir the clay with hot holy essence all the words in the world were at a finger’s length beyond my reach
so close they were that i then leapt out of the nest of my pink blue galaxy and into the pavement of down town LA the words they did follow in time i’d pluck tiny words for tiny worries and the Nephilim smiled for they knew i was falling
in love with the charge of turning the misery hatred pain starvation violence and rape of it all into the beauty found on the hem of the robe of the Goddess and the wing of a humming bird
that’s reaching for the higher hanging words drenched in the nectar from the Tree of Knowledge i strung them up to detail the anatomy of a broken heart with its crystal shards wrapped in Cleopatra’s linens sanctimoniously tucked away in a Payless shoe box atop an urban closet shelf
of the condemned building in the bosom of desperation and the pool in eyes of children stack did i those words like bricks made of powder to bring the kingdoms down and with the rabble of defeat as i burnt down i built up a nation of wordsmiths
who with their quills pens papyrus key boards tablets and marketing firms wait gingerly drinking lattes on the Stratford Upon Avon wicker chairs
that my English teacher said she dusted for the scribes who mused the signs letter symbols into the dendrites of my mind but not before Allen Will Bill Jack Hank Dylan Langston Lou Bowie Leonard and Ms. Angelou were anointed and leaving me with words less spoken
auxiliary guardian angels
Willie and Big Daddy sat in front of the Seven Eleven from noon till about 4 in the morning except on Sundays when they went to church at the MM Willie had a four dollar a day sun flower seed habit with his Colt 45 Big Daddy liked to comment on women’s asses and cat call on the flaming tight boys who dressed like Duran Duran Willie had gone to Howard in the 70’s and when he wasn’t in psychosis we’d talk about Nijinsky Big Daddy would tell me about the bed bugs at his SRO on 7th and how the Good Lord had saved his life and when the drug dealers and pimps would try to entice me into their cars they would both roll their wheel chairs in front of me and dared them to fight and as time went by and i grew older Willie and Big Daddy faded into the brick walls with graffiti and no posted bills the three of us together were never like anyone thought we should be we just were and they both gifted me with alternate ways of understanding the world and breaking the chains
charm school drop out
it’s very late and the crickets are bedding down in the banana trees for the night and behind the brick walls yes the ones tagged with nonsense the drunkard kings are pissing i’ve been kicked out of many a slummy joint you wouldn’t be the first bouncer to pop that cherry although i give you the fact that i was a little loud when the barkeep wouldn’t take my buck for a bottle of vodka but you understand i’m petite and not of swift feet when i’ve had a few tom collins’ down my gullet ok i get it don’t call my parent’s and that is not my id card but i do resent it when you won’t admit it that i’m the best duker in the bunch and while i have rosy knuckles to prove it let’s not point out last week’s black eye but don’t worry about me by the time i’m in my forties i might have been through a few programs for exceptional drinkers but psychoanalysis has nothing to do with a girl having fun on a Saturday night and by the way can you hold my hair back i feel a wave of chili coming up
apostasia
i love to see Your sunflowers against the purple skyline
Dodger Stadium is to the north and we can hear the tender laughter
then i think of what can happen if You ever got tired of us
the baby cries with hunger and the kings collect their gold
children toil in fields of garbage and the kings collect their gold
women die a thousand deaths of spirit and the soul and yet the kings the
kings collect their gold
the man full of life at dusk while en route to the dawn the poisons of the snakes have found him
i against i
i against Your image which is mine
You watch me eternally as i fight against i
the more i do the more i die the more they’re good the more they cry out for mercy
i’d love to see You in the smile of a baby in the streets of Babylon or at the wedding of a girl truly in love
can You smile at the old woman while the sound of the shot aiming at her
blows out
how about in the fevered cancered mind of the split livered alcoholic at the bottom of Bunker Hill
is there mercy in me knowing all the reasons that You hide
or do my resentments keep growing in my belly like a child
why do i have comfort and others do not
los soles no miran
en tu fiebre duermes cada noche
reina de la orilla del mar
gritas y pateas a tus soldados
cuando te quieren llevar
a tu palacio en los altos de esta cuidad
tus mandos sin fuerza
tus joyas sin brillo
y tus zapatillas de seda
solo son heridas de la vida
Norma del Reino de Guadalajara
que haces en mi ciudad
perdida de noche
invisible en los días
la luna no brilla
los soles no miran
que tuyos serán los cielos
os sóis não vêem
na sua febre você dorme todas as noites
rainha da praia
você grita e chuta seus soldados
quando eles querem te levar
para o seu palácio nas alturas desta cidade
seus controles sem força
suas jóias maçantes
e seus chinelos de seda
eles são apenas feridas da vida
Norma do Reino de Guadalajara
o que você está fazendo na minha cidade
perdida à noite
invisível nos dias
a lua não brilha
os sóis não parecem
que vocês serão os céus
the suns don’t see
in your fever you sleep every night
queen of the seashore
you scream and kick at your soldiers
when they want to take you to your palace
on the heights of this city
your orders without power
your jewels dulled
and your silk slippers
they are only wounds of life
Norma of the Kingdom of Guadalajara
what are you doing in my city
lost at night
invisible during the days
the moon does not shine
the suns do not see
that you will inherit the heavens
a polvo regreso
yo se que será el último beso
que juegas conmigo como juegan la lotería
entiendo que solo soy una muñeca fea
pero de algo te sirvo tal vez
con las cicatrices que me he ganado
comprare respeto y felicidad yo sola puedo
y cuando veo que es tu llamada
no tengo fuerza de correr de ti
tus brazos me empujan a los cielos
tus ojos ruegan que quede en infiernos
tu cobardía destruirá mi espíritu y alma
viento triste y penitente me nombrara Camilla
a pó retornar
Eu sei que será o último beijo
que você joga comigo como eles jogam na loteria
Eu entendo que sou apenas uma boneca feia
mas eu estou servindo você talvez
com as cicatrizes que eu ganhei
Eu vou comprar respeito e felicidade eu sozinho posso
e quando eu vejo qual é o seu chamado
Eu não tenho forças para fugir de você
seus braços me empurram para o céu
seus olhos rezam para que esteja no inferno
sua covardia vai destruir meu espírito e alma
vento triste e penitente vai me chamar de Camilla
to the dust i return
i know it will be the last kiss
that you play with me like they play the lottery
i understand that i’m just an ugly doll
but maybe i’m serving you
with the scars that i have earned
i will buy respect and happiness i alone can
and when see that it’s your call
i have no strength to run from you
your arms push me to the heavens
your eyes beg that i stay in hell
your cowardice will destroy my spirit and soul
sad and penitent wind will name me Camilla
-para John Fante com admiração
the midnight 57
for all the life left in his bones he strains to light the cigarette the midnight train is running late he rubs his hands together the mouths to feed are growing into free thinking minds washing dishes at the Shrimp Palace doesn’t buy too many books to stave the pain of the morning news about his lung he smiles at the queens wiggling out of Club La India toward El Tauro taco truck for carnitas and debauchery the midnight train arrives and we both climb in he lets me pass and offers the old legless man his chair the man returns the smile as Valerio’s own smile strains against the hopelessness
words less spoken 