there were times that as a child i’d run away into my imagination especially when the adults would fight it particularly hurt to hear my mother give up on God because she was so fed up with my father at that time i had two safe havens God and my imagination i was confused i had no leadership no plan no order later as a teen i had too many thoughts but zero beliefs i prayed but it was hollow i did it for the same reason smokers smoke out of habit i further went into my head i proved to be too much for myself as well there was too much empty space in a 90 lb body and the space in the hole of my soul was even greater i would draw lines idly at times not really connected to the sensation in my fingers one rainy morning walking to my school ditching destination i noticed three perfect snails juicy full of ooze and as i crouched to get a closer look i saw their flat gill like body making slow waves on the pavement as they carried their homes on their little gooey backs and as they millimetered toward a retainer wall with ivy and empty Schlitz bottles i noticed a silvery slick trail it was beautiful i thought but alas my hooky buddy was waiting with booze amongst other things now that i am writing down these thoughts i realize that i was shattered banged up and at times beaten but had i been broken i would not have been able to see God’s covenant of a silver lining under the three perfect snails He was talking to me still
Hollywood
Brahman
Taino although you’re not here anymore the Nirvana Arms still stand tall and even though our friendship was perplexing you taught me morality and how to see the goodness in the least expected people decency is at times not where we think it might or should be
And remember Waverly she’s a lawyer now but back then she was a lost kid we all hated you for calling the authorities on her folks for neglect although it was true we were mostly just tax exemptions religious guilt rescue pregnancies and a terrific pain in the ass to them but you saw us as diamonds in a very rough and unjust place
I learned how to walk in heels layer foundation insert a tampon and fill out job applications because of you and you sat me down to explain why i shouldn’t take my life all the while inside you were already dying against your will
No one came to say goodbye to you not even me and all i could think about was how you tore me away from rapists on Werdin Place and held me tight after the cops came never judged the look of my veins and gave me compassion at levels that until this day it’s so hard to take
Once in a while i see a strawberry blond wig at the Goodwill and smile or at Walgreens the cheap acrylic nail kits you were fond of tug at my very soul at Macy’s the tropical prints you admired and honored me in choosing for you and when we got into trouble and the hoosegow loomed in our future you were always a father and when needed for love advice calling off the school vice squad or a tender non judgmental kick in the ass you were always our mother
un Tango
calma
se va
azul adentro de
mi
corazón que
late por ti
las
luces juguetonas
me llevan perdida
se
ríen de
mi dando pasos
circulares
buscando salida
de tu prisión
um tango
calma
vai azul
dentro meu coração
que
bate por
você o luzes
brincalhonas
eles me
levam perdido isso
eles
riem meus
passos tomando circular
procurando
saída da
sua prisão
a Tango
calm
it goes
blue inside my
heart
that beats
for you the
playful
lights they
take me lost
they
laugh at
me taking circular
steps
looking for
an exit from
your prison
F43.23
the meager fist weakly swings at the face of unknown beast its always pathos in the middle of the ring high noon comes and no one yawns in excitement alas the night she enters the stage in my mind and the coliseum fills with eager patrons waiting for my show when the torments in my head become high end commodity at dawn washing the bruises off with rye found in the gutters i slip into my expat suit and hit the road with my naked feet because the convergence of the quantums weighs heavy on my soul
for Anthony Bourdain and me
a las 3:37 a.m.
a noche soñé contigo
sentí me rostro en tu
pecho muy masculino
y tu corazón latía
como un tango
cuando abrí mis ojos
desangraban lagrimas
de pena abandonada
me toque a si misma
buscando el ardor
del placer que una vez
me brindabas
cerré mis ojos y la
tristeza me tomo
de mi mano y fui
en sueños a los
infiernos del rechazo
às 3:37 a.m.
eu sonhei com você à noite
eu senti meu rosto na sua
peito muito masculino
e seu coração estava batendo
como um tango
quando abri meus olhos
eles estavam sangrando lágrimas
de tristeza abandonada
eu me toco
procurando o ardor
do prazer que uma vez
você me ofereceu
eu fechei meus olhos e
tristeza eu levo
da minha mão e eu fui
em sonhos para o
infernos de rejeição
at 3:37 a.m.
i dreamed about you last night
i felt my face on your
very masculine chest
and your heart was beating
like a tango
when i opened my eyes
they were bleeding tears
of abandoned grief
i touched myself
looking for the ardor
of the pleasure that you
once offered me
i closed my eyes and the
sadness took me
by my hand and i went
in dreams to the
infernos of rejection
punkroquera
confieso
que
soy de
corazón salvajemente inquieta
orgullosa de ser quien soy
cuando lagrimas caen de mis ojos son hielo
mi sonrisa parte piedras y mis puñaladas son de amor niña brava voladora
música que grita de mi alma volcán de las diosas manchada en esplendor negro y rojo mil banderas en el cielo
mis botas marchan así al los terrenos desconocidos para conquistar toda la sabiduría humo violento de cien civilizaciones corren en la sangre industrial con guitarras y altavoces ídolos del circulo somos dueños del espacio
mis garras sucias con pecados inocentes mi maquillaje esconde la verdad del sonido eterno rebeldía dulce universo en mi ojo verde
en la ciudad de las estrellas todos brillamos en los cartones y mansiones
mas rápido quiero velocidad arrancar mi peso y volar
con mis pulseras de plástico
tatuajes de acero
labios callados
vida
punkroquera
punkrocker
eu confesso
o que
sou de
coração descontrolado
orgulho de ser quem eu sou
quando as lágrimas caem dos meus olhos são gelo
meu sorriso parte pedras e meus esfaqueamentos são de amor voando menina corajosa
música que grita da minha alma deusas do vulcão manchadas em esplendor negro e bandeiras vermelhas mil no céu
minhas botas marcham assim para as terras desconhecidas para conquistar toda a sabedoria violenta fumaça de cem civilizações corridas no sangue industrial com guitarras e oradores ídolos do círculo nós possuímos o espaço
meus sujos com pecados inocentes minha maquiagem esconde a verdade do eterno som doce universo rebelde em meu olho verde
na cidade das estrelas, todos nós brilhamos nas caixas e mansões
mais rápido eu quero velocidade para puxar meu peso e voar
com minhas pulseiras de plastico
tatuagens de aço
lábios silenciosos
vida
punkrocker
punkrocker
confessing
what
i am a
wildly restless heart
proud to be who i am
when tears fall from my eyes they are ice
my smile splits stones and my punches are pure love brave flying girl
music that screams from my soul volcano goddesses stained in black and red splendor a thousand flags in the sky
my boots march to unknown lands to conquer all wisdom violent smoke of a hundred civilizations run in the industrial blood with guitars and amplifiers idols of the circle we own the space
my dirty nails with innocent sins my makeup hides the truth of the eternal sound rebellious sweet universe in my green eye
in the city of stars we all shine in the boxes and mansions
faster i want speed to pull my weight and fly
with my plastic bracelets
steel tattoos
silent lips
life
punkrocker
h2o
in the drop my thought swirls about smaller than a worms breath the wetness of the dew in the spires of hell my brow sweats to know what’s coming knocking at the door tidal wave of destiny doomed to clear in agony all debt i’ve left behind in the oceans of mars where the fog of disbelief punishes the chiefs of the snowy altitudes dharma electricity pulses on the Nile and the Ganges will build factories in the tsunami states
the pebble
i keep the pebble in the hand
as a testament
to the revolt of feelings.
mere electrical currents
in the brain.
sometimes the pebble is placed down.
its weight can crush if the
heart is flighty with thoughts
and fancies void of substance.
as the pebble is looked at, it stares
back. forever with no smile
or frown or indication
other than it is a creation
of God.
borrowed from the universe
the pebble does not need me
as much as i need it.
dysmorphic algorithm
sometimes in life things happen to the person that makes them hate God.
sometimes one person who knows it all will meet the person who hates God.
the knowledgeable person will tell the hateful person that they are not doing things right in the eyes of the Lord. in the knowledgeable person’s mind, the hateful person’s life is fucked up because the person is hateful.
sometimes the knowledgeable person does not know what the hateful person can and can’t do. and doesn’t bother to ask, because they know it all.
sometimes knowledgeable people don’t understand that some hateful people are handed a bad package that takes a life time to process.
sometimes the self-righteousness of one person will not allow them to see that the hateful person can’t serve God the way the self-righteous person wants them to.
sometimes the hateful person will turn the world away because they are ashamed by their inability to serve the way the self- righteous person wants them to.
sometimes neither person stops to pray.
suikaddish
do black holes exist or are they something i read about in a comic book? are those beautiful pictures of nebulas shaped like crabs and other creatures that i see in the science magazines real? how can i know for sure that this very night i am walking home? how can i know for sure that i am walking back to a home and that i will get there? can a black hole, if it is real snatch me up? would it think i am important? does it matter what religion scientists are? does it matter what i believe? does God want me? do i want God to want me? if i give and give and give will it make a difference? is it better to take and take and take? is my smile enough to save a dying life? my own? if i am sad is it bad? am i broken in an unfixable way? can i benefit from anything modern? am i too late for anything old? did i ever make love? do i have control over any war? do i have control over any deficit? do i reward bad and punish good? if i reward bad on earth and punish good on earth, will the bad go to hell and the good to heaven? why can i not explain what i know? is that bad? is dreaming bad? did Gabriel pinch my lips together? or did i just get punched on the mouth? should i talk? should i judge? would that make me a better person? am i compassionate? is there a time and a place for everything? what did my mother raise? did she have a hand at molding me? why do i like what i like? why do i like what i don’t like anyway? do i contribute to my perdition? am i good? does anyone think of me? do you?
words less spoken 